The Best Way to Wing
January 31, 2008
Back in the US yet again, in advance of some gigantic snow storm, yet again…
A couple of posts ago, I wrote about how the secret of the natural was his uncanny abilities to control his state. That got me thinking about a related and very important subject.
(Btw, if you are or were ever in college, you should do yourself a favor and get this fantastic report.)
One of the factors that sky-rocketed my game was meeting and hanging out with certain people, including naturals, and NOT going out at night with people who were holding me back.
I’m going to be frank here. I have no doubt that some of you have friends or wings who are actively, but unknowingly, preventing you from getting to the next level. I would never advise you to ditch your friends, especially ones who’ve stood by you and whom you’ve known for a long time, no matter how geeky or socially awkward they are. However, it is very likely that some of these friends or wings, and this includes most community guys, are actually hampering your efforts.
Keep them as friends. Just don’t go out with them while you’re looking to meet women or cool guys. If they are chess buddies, or X-box buddies, or basketball buddies, or whatever, continue to do those things with them. But really, either start going out alone and build a new social circle, or hang out with your cool friends who “get it” when you’re looking to meet women. This might sound harsh, I know. But you’ll cut years off your learning curve this way.
Maybe once you’ve got this part of your life handled, you can take them out at and show them a thing or two. But for now, follow this advice or pay the price.
Or, you could move to a new country and start from a clean slate there 
Haha. Btw, I’m only half-joking about that one.
Okay then, go meet some guys or gals who WILL help you in developing your skills in the social arts. What traits are we looking for?
Apart from the obvious “cool” factor, that is, they should be well-dressed, well-groomed, socially savvy, confident, etc., there is also one all-important characteristic they should bring to the table that relates directly to improving your social life.
When you guys go out together, you must be having UNSELFCONSCIOUS FUN!
“Oh, duh. That’s obvious,” you’re probably thinking. Well, the “having fun” part is obvious, but what about the “unselfconscious” part?
Here are some signs that you are NOT having unselfconscious fun:
The usual, such as:
-Freezing up and just standing against the wall. Being wall-flowers.
-Standing or sitting at the bar not facing or talking to each other and instead trying to “look cool.”
-Talking about game tactics in the venue and the whole time thinking to yourselves, “I should approach. I need to approach.”
-Doing the lap around the club, looking for “sets.”
But also:
-When you do an approach, your wings are just standing around, watching and evaluating you. They are (explicitly or not) checking your body language, your tonality, your delivery of routines, etc. and then after the interaction, they either:
a) Judge your performance and analyze your interaction. They say, “Not bad, dude! But…” and then they start to give you pointers. They say you did this and this, and that’s not good. Instead, they say, you should do such and such, “Next time, body rock out before you deliver that line,” etc.
b) Or, likewise judge your performance and analyze your interaction. But, they conclude that you did well! “Congratulations, dude! That was awesome! You’re the man!” You probably didn’t think that this would be an example of how NOT to wing, but yes, it is. Your wings are still too self-conscious. They are still judging you, analyzing your performance, and then giving you their immediate feedback.
The only time this is called for is during a time-intensive training, like in a bootcamp, in which there isn’t the luxury of time, or if it is an emergency and the error is egregious yet easily corrected. Otherwise, you’re f–king up everybody’s state by doing this.
If you and your wings do these things, then I’ll tell you right now, you are doing well DESPITE this mindset and behavior.
I know that the vast majority of lair guys have this mentality when they go out. I’d say it’s like 98.2%. This is one reason why the guys who get really good really fast actually don’t hang with lair guys much during their steep learning curve. Instead, they find a series of naturals and learn directly from them, or they take a bootcamp with a guy who really knows his sh-t and can teach it.
What’s the most effective mindset and behavior to have when you go out to socialize?
Like a friend of mine likes to say, “Let’s go f–k around!”
This means we are out to amuse ourselves. We don’t give one damn what the girl thinks of us. We are NOT looking for validation from them to gauge our skills. We do not need a good reaction from them for us to have fun. We are just plain amusing ourselves.
One perfect compliment to this mindset is a game my wings and I like to play. The game goes like this. One (or all, haha) of us goes in and says the most direct thing possible as an opener, like [stepping inside the polite zone], “OMG, you are beautiful. I’m in love with you [shaking your head in disbelief at how gorgeous she is]. Who are you?… Come here!” and pull her in.
If it goes well, great.
If it doesn’t, and the girl shrieks and runs away, which unfortunately doesn’t happen nearly as much as I’d like, … great! Why? Because when I return to my wings, they are doubled over laughing, not at me, but at the whole situation! We all find it f–king hilarious! Then, it’s the next guy’s turn to go in super-aggressive.
It’s a WIN-WIN situation.
Pretty soon, just because we’re having non-needy, non-validation-seeking, unselfconscious fun, we’re all in interactions that escalate really f–king scary fast. Not one of my wings is judging or evaluating anything. They’re not hi-fiving me for doing well and they’re not consoling me when the girl doesn’t react so well. We are all outcome-independent.
(caveat: If you’re going to play this game, remember to do it in big, loud dance clubs. On higher class girls, I’d say the same things, but go light on kino at first.)
Why is it bad for my wings to congratulate me when the interaction goes great? Aren’t they building up my confidence and making me feel better by doing this?
When you go about life, you should already have the mindset that you are THE MAN. You are a 10. Believe it.
Now, how would a 10 act when the girl goes ga-ga over him? Would his friends be surprised? Would they high-five him and congratulate him? Hell, no. It’s just expected. It’s as expected as Steve Nash hitting that free throw. It’s as expected as Joshua Bell nailing those arpeggios in a Mozart concerto. It’s as expected as James Bond getting that beautiful girl in the movie. Duh.
It is crucial that you and your wings reinforce each other’s images of yourselves as 10s. By high-fiving and congratulating each other in the venue, you are actually UNDERMINING that whole frame, mindset, and belief. No wonder guys just can’t get it in their heads that they’re 10s.
When you or your wings come back to the group after an especially spectacularly-run interaction, the most you should do is give him a slig
ht nod of respect. Then, continue like normal. Leave the celebrations until the next morning.
Or better yet, find something more important to celebrate together because after all, we should all have higher priorities and purposes in life that trump our interests in women.
Now, here’s a personal reason why this kind of mindset was so effective for me. I’ve discovered that I am naturally externally-referenced. That is, I naturally look to others for feedback on how I’m doing.
This manifests itself in different ways. In school, I didn’t know whether the paper I wrote was any good until my professor gave me an A. In music, I didn’t know whether my jazz solo was any good until I heard the enthusiastic applause from the audience or the evaluations from my teacher or the adjudicators. With women, I didn’t know whether I had gotten a 6 or a 9 until my buddies were all congratulating me on getting a really hot girl or chiding me for thinking that 6 was a 9.
Of course, the downside of this is that sometimes, I had a great paper but an awful professor who for whatever reasons, was blind to a good argument. Or, I had an adjudicator who preferred old-time swing over 70s free jazz, so didn’t like when I played outside the chord changes. Or, I had buddies who are virgins and jack it to pics of silicone implants and can’t appreciate natural beauty, which I like.
I’ve since learned that with expertise and experience comes confidence in one own’s judgement. So I’ve developed my academic abilities so that I know for myself when I’ve got a good paper. I’ve honed my ear so that I know what a good jazz solo sounds like. I’ve trained my eye so that I can make an informed, expert assessment of what I find beautiful, not just in women, but in art, architecture, design, and fashion. Over time, I developed confidence in my own trained intuitions.
In pickup, I doubted myself way too much. I listened way too much to the bad, but well-intentioned, advice of other guys at my level or even below. It’s far better for newbies (or even intermediates looking to get advanced) not to be giving each other advice at all, especially in the venue. But instead, to just focus on having UNSELFCONSCIOUS FUN. Do that first, and everything else will begin to make sense and fall in place.
Worst of all, whenever I was lucky enough to get myself into state, they’d disrupt my state and bring me out of it by doing one of those things I mentioned above.
When is it right to evaluate and analyze your wings? If you’re going to do this at all, the best time is at the end of the night or the next day, when there’s no danger to breaking your state. That’s why on the best bootcamps, the debriefing is at the end of the night, or even better (’cause you never know when the night will really end, lol), the next afternoon.
When you go out tonight, take on this mindset. Just be cool guys having fun and completely independent of any validation from the women you’re interacting with. It doesn’t matter whether it’s going well or poorly. Just be in the moment. Laugh at yourselves, at her, at your buddies, at life. Life’s short. Live it up!
Happy playin’, The Asian Rake.
The Natural’s Biggest Secret
January 29, 2008
I’m going back to Singapore in just one more week! Woowee! I just got back to Canada, but will be heading out to the US in a couple of days before returning to Canada and then flying out to Singapore.
Here’s something I’ve been wanting to write about for a long time. It’s a lesson that I first learned from hanging out with Natural-MD, a major star of my LR on the 25-minute club pull and LR on the Asian Dancer, as well as other naturals and guys who are really good with women.
There are many things naturals have in common. Some of the most important include an unwavering belief that all the girls are into him, that beautiful women are not scarce but abundant, and that he doesn’t give a sh-t what any woman thinks of him.
But the most powerful factor is that he is the source of his own fun and amusement. Put in other (NLP) words, he is constantly “in state.” You’ve probably heard this already from guys like Tyler Durden. But I’ve not only witnessed this first-hand in Natural-MD and other naturals, but have experienced it on a consistent basis myself. When a man, whether a natural or not, is in state, it is as if he can do no wrong.
Caveat: What I write next may offend some readers. If you are a politically-correct community guy, stop reading now.
Natural-MD’s favorite opener is to put his arms around his wing and say to a girl walking by (in a strong Borat-style accent), “This is my friend… and he is gay!” Then this starts a hilarious banter between Natural-MD and his wing (sometimes me, but more often Wing-S, haha) about who’s more gay and what they want to do to each other. The clever response is to then turn to the girl and say, “Yes, I love to do my friend up the ass, but for you, my beautiful maiden, I’m willing to change. Look at you. You’re so gorgeous I can’t resist you. Come here,” as you then grab her around the waist and pull her in to smell her neck. She pretends to be shy, but that’s just token resistance. Pretty soon, you’re making out with her. Yes, this works, believe it or not. And this is all done within the first couple minutes of meeting her.
Why will this work for the Natural and not for the vast majority of community guys? Because… he is “in state.” He doesn’t give a f–k what she thinks and is just f–king around with his bros, all in the name of fun!
Now, I certainly don’t feel comfortable throwing gay jokes around. And if I don’t feel comfortable doing it, I won’t have fun doing it. Still, I can’t help but get sucked into his reality when he does this. When he’s doing it, I have a ton of fun just watching him have fun!
For a while at first, when Natural-MD wasn’t around, I had to fall back on my tried and true method for getting myself into the “fun, in the flow” state: Light and funny conversation. Often, I will first try to use my wings for this, although I’ve found that most community guys have trouble coming up with light and fun convo in the venue. So, I then turn to the bartenders and hostesses that I know. This unfortunately always takes a while, sometimes as long as half an hour.
But then, while training individual clients, I discovered an even better method: INDUCED SILLINESS. There are all sorts of little games you can play with your wings to loosen each other up.
These games are effective because they get you outside of your head, into the moment, feeling un-selfconscious, devoid of social anxiety, and full of social freedom.
One I like to use is the Ape, Man, Girl game, which is inspired by the paper, rock, scissors game:
Pair off. Then, when the signal is given, each person strikes a pose with sound effects like an ape, man, or girl. Remember to decide what each looks like ahead of time. The ape beats the girl, man beats the ape, the girl gets the man.
One of my other favorites is a verbal game, in which one person says a noun and the other says a verb. Then one person has to make a sentence using those two words. Each person after that has to make a sentence using one of the words in the previous sentence.
But the best induced silliness game I’ve heard is from Tyler Durden. It’s simple. One guy names an animal, e.g., an orangutan, and the other guy has to do an impersonation of it. Then that guy gets to name an animal, and the other guy has to do an impersonation. Keep doing it until you’re rolling on the floor laughing and then immediately open the group next to you. F’in A!
Get out of your head. Get in the moment. Free yourself from social anxiety by becoming unselfconscious. Be in the flow. And HAVE FUN.
Once you are “in state” like that, you can basically say and do anything that you personally find to be FUN, and it’ll work. Besides, even if it doesn’t stick, you won’t even notice since you’ll be having so much FUN! And then it WILL open just because you’re having so much fun. All you’ll have to keep in mind is kino escalation and logistics.
Incidentally, this is not only the formula for getting the girl, but also for having a fun and fulfilled life.
Happy playin’, The Asian Rake.
The Secret to Handling Shit-tests
January 19, 2008
I just got back to Canada after a few days in the US. It’s been great visiting with old friends and just plain catching up with ‘em, but I had too much fun and didn’t get nearly as much done as I had planned. This week’s going to be a killer, so I apologize in advance if I’m a little delinquent on the updates.
Here’s an excerpt from a recent email question by a blog reader:
“Hi Asian Rake,
… I’m a recent college grad and am now working in i-banking in New York… I did pretty well in my college days, but the girls out here in NYC are really different, especially the ones I’m meeting in my social circles who are really career-driven. As your game progressed, did you find that you were getting higher quality girls? Did you have to adjust your game? …
Thanks, Ben.”
Great question, Ben! There were a lot of ways that I changed my game as the kind of girls I was targeting moved up in social status (though higher status is not necessarily indexed to higher quality; I was just lucky that I’ve met some high status girls who are also of high quality). In future posts, I’ll talk more about different ways this manifested itself. In this post, I’ll discuss a minor shift in technique that had a HUGELY significant impact on my success with higher status women.
As I mentioned, I was just back in the small college town where I had my start. As my buddy Christian likes to say, “If you can get good here, you can get good anywhere.” This is a particularly difficult place for a 30-something guy like myself since the vast majority of the hottest babes are 18 year old sorority girls who have never left the country… and have not even tried sushi! Ugh, I know. How could I possibly relate? Incidentally and seriously, my game has adjusted to higher social-status girls, forcing me to re-adjust when I get back to college towns. There’s a disadvantage to everything, I guess.
Sure, I get 18 year olds in China who have never left the country, but they all dream about traveling abroad and have concrete plans as to how they will achieve that. And of course, most of the girls in Asia I hook up with are in their twenties and already have their lives together, and some are extraordinarily successful financially and professionally.
One very interesting shit-test I get in Asia repeatedly, which I only ever got once in this college town, led me to a breakthrough realization. I get this test almost exclusively and very often from models, actresses, and girls in the entertainment industry. First, I’ll detail the specific test and how I handle it. Then, I’ll draw out a broader principle to apply across the board for such tests.
Let’s first review the common ways of dealing with shit-tests:
-Ignoring (this is your best default response)
-Idiot look (this is where you give and hold a skeptical look, as if she were a total idiot, for several seconds while inducing a Juggler-style “vacuum” and then saying, “Never mind” and continuing with what you were saying or simply looking away–very powerful)
-”Yes and…” (the classic improv comedy strategy)
These can work in most situations and all have their places. However, I started running into a specific shit-test whose best solution is none of these common techniques.
Here’s the specific shit-test: The first time I got this in China way back when, I was on a day 2 with an uber-rich supermodel, who also works in the movie industry, that I did a 5 minute number-close on through a direct approach (my favorite kind) at a theme party in a huge club. I called her three times the next day and kept getting a busy signal. She called me back an hour later. We hit it off on the phone and then we arranged to meet a few hours later that night.
The day 2 was going great. And about an hour in, we started sharing photos. I pulled out my camera and did my usual DHV photo routine, showing her photos of me on various adventures with storie
s attached to many of the pics.
The S-TEST
Here’s where the test began: She then showed me photos she had on her camera-phone. She showed me some of her travel photos, some of which were really impressive, as she was working on a feature-length blockbuster movie that was filmed on location in various exotic locales in China.
Then, she flipped to a photo of her from behind, posing completely naked except for a thong. Apparently, this was from some racy fashion shoot. She acted very blase and matter-of-fact about it, but I could feel that she was watching for my reaction. She then showed me pics of her topless, submerged up to her nipples in some giant water tank, which was for a major, big-scale photoshoot she had just done. And then she showed me more racy photos and more and more and more. It caught me off guard.
At first, I criticized the photo in a screening frame, “Wow, you look great, but there’s too much touching up here. Your skin tone doesn’t even look real.”
Her reply: “No. They touched it up here around the waist, but otherwise that was my real skin tone. I had to work really hard to get that tan.”
Then, she showed me another pic, and I scrutinized and criticized that one too, for its imperfections. But she held her frame in a very casual manner, as if she was showing me photos of her dog. The more I criticized, the more try-hard I felt and the more it seemed like I was trying to hide how turned-on I was getting.
I think given the circumstances, I did okay. By critiquing the photos and appreciating them in a non-sexual way, I showed that I wasn’t over-awed by her physical beauty, and that I could keep my cool in seeing her half-naked.
However, I got this same sort of shit-test from three more girls shortly after this. We’d be on our day 2, and after just an hour or two of knowing me, they’d pull out their cameras or phones and nonchalantly show me pics of them in skimpy bikinis or topless on some fashion shoot.
It finally dawned on me that this is a ROUTINE that hot girls like to pull on guys to not only DHV (demonstrate higher value) but also to throw you off your game and regain control of the frame.
The real issue is the latter, not the DHV. They wanted to turn me on because in so doing, they could re-establish dominance in the interaction and over me. It’s the same when girls start talking about sex after you’ve just met them. They want to shock you and throw you off. Ultimately, they want to test if you’re comfortable with sex and sexuality and won’t turn into a horny pervert.
THE SOLUTION
Here’s the solution:
When she starts showing me those racy photos, I say:
“Oh no, you’re not going to start showing me photos of you half-naked now, are you (with a smirk, leaning back, and a skeptical look)?…” This is usually enough to get them asking, “What, what? What do you mean?” and to re-establish my frame.
But I also like to continue, “What’s with hot girls and photos of themselves half-naked, anyway? Almost every hot girl I meet does this. It’s like they can’t get enough of themselves. All the photos on their cameras are of themselves. How self-centered can you get (shaking my head in disapproving disbelief)? And it’s not just their cameras, their bedroom walls are plastered with photos of themselves. I think they secretly just want to turn guys on, b
ut they don’t want anyone to know that they’re doing it.”
(Note: This is not a routine or a memorized script; I made this up on the spot; I just say what’s on my mind at the time, truly calling her on it)
Usually before I can finish saying all this, she’ll interrupt me and say something like, “OMG, yeah, yeah! Just the other day, my galfriend had her phone out with a photo of her half-naked on the screen, and she left it out on the table by the bottles. And then guys took her phone and started passing it around to the other guys, going gaga over it. And then, she pretended to be all offended and grabbed it back accusing them of being perverts. But she was such a faker. She knew what she was doing.” Or something to that effect.
My follow-up is, “Okay, now, let’s see what you’ve got. I hope you’re not as self-centered as the rest of them.”
I then grab the camera from the now nervous girl, “Oh, this is nice. Your ass looks really good here. You haven’t gained weight since this photo, right? I hope not because this is really turning me on. Nice job [wink, wink].” Proceed with sexual vibe escalation as usual.
Btw, everything I just wrote was a real conversation.
Haha, there you have it. Shit-test expertly navigated. Not only do you disarm the challenge, but you use it as a launching pad to qualify her, tease her, and escalate sexually.
Also, just to clarify (thanks to TD for emailing and asking about this), you do NOT have to memorize any speech or whatever. You could just stop after the first sentence, “Oh no, you’re not going to show me photos of you half-naked now, are you?!” I added the rest of that because it’s FUN for me! To keep it simple, just follow the principle below. And for shorter replies, see the examples I mention below.
THE PRINCIPLE
How do we generalize this to apply to different situations?
It’s what I refer to as: PACE THE REALITY and then CALL HER ON IT.
This verbal technique applies a bit of NLP “pacing the reality” and “flipping the script” frame control. It also bears some similarities to Stevie PUA’s (Hong Kong-based PUA) recent short post on mASF about shit-tests. There, he gives this example of what he calls, “Naming the technique”:
She’s doing something that is socially unacceptable to you. Otherwise, you wouldn’t interpret it as a shit-test. So call her on it.
The basic pattern is: Pace the reality, then call her on it.
The reality is that ANY shit-test is an IOI. Pacing the reality means that you are talking about the frame of her testing you because a girl would only test you if she’s interested in you.
Here’s another example. A girl I had been talking to hadn’t been giving back to the conversation no matter how hard I tried. After several minutes, I was ready to walk away, but I gave her one last chance. We were standing side by side against the wall.
I said (after doing plenty of teasing and push-pull, but getting nowhere, I set up the convo so I can CALL HER ON IT) “So how has your night been going so far?”
Her: “Okay.”
Me: Vacuum
Her: “How has yours been?”
Me: “It’s going all right. Well, I’m trying to have a conversation with a cute girl here (PACING THE REALITY), but she’s not holding up her end of the bargain (CALLING HER ON IT).”
Her: (Giggling and then turning around to face me fully) “Oh, I’m soo sorry. My gal-friend and I have had a long and stressful day, and we’re still decompressing.”
At this point, I could have continued the interaction like normal. But I had already spotted some other girls I wanted to talk to, so I exited.
Me: “Don’t worry about it (with a shrug and a smile). Maybe I’ll come around later when you two have gotten into a more social mood. Cheers!” Then I walked off.
They came over to talk to me about an hour later at the bar.
Now some guys might think this isn’t a shit-test and that she was just not into me. However, the fact is that she kept standing there and although her responses were minimal, she was still responding. Hence, in my mind, she’s definitely interested, but she’s just testing me to see if I have what it takes to persist. In other words, she’s testing my shit.
Another example that I’ve already written about is at the start of my interaction in the LR on the Maggie Cheung-look alike stewardess, which you can find here.
So there you have it. Some shit-tests require more drastic measures than ignoring, the idiot look, or “yes and.” Next time you encounter one that throws you for a loop, step back and call her on it!
Happy playin’, The Asian Rake.
What is a Rake?
January 11, 2008
People have been asking me what I mean by “rake.” I guess it’s an antiquated term. So I figure if I write it out here, maybe the questions will stop. No, I don’t mean the implement one uses to clear fallen leaves from the yard. I take this description of the Rake character from Robert Greene’s book, The Art of Seduction.
The Rake
A woman never quite feels desired and appreciated enough. She wants attention, but a man is too often distracted and unresponsive. The Rake is a great female fantasy figure–when he desires a woman, brief though that may be, he will go to the ends of the earth for her. He may be disloyal, dishonest, and amoral, but that only adds to his appeal. Unlike the normal, cautious male, the Rake is delightfully unrestrained, a slave to his love of women. There is the added lure of his reputation: so many women have succumbed to him, there has to be a reason. Words are a woman’s weakness, and the Rake is a master of seductive language. Stir a woman’s repressed longings by adapting the Rake’s mix of danger and pleasure.
I also include a description of the Charismatic, as I add a healthy dose of that character as well:
The Charismatic
Charisma is a presence that excites us. It comes from an inner quality–self-confidence, sexual energy, sense of purpose, contentment–that most people lack and want. This quality radiates outward, permeating the gestures of Charismatics, making them seem extraordinary and superior, and making us imagine there is more to them than meets the eye: they are gods, saints, stars. Charismatics can learn to heighten their charisma with a piercing gaze, fiery oratory, an air of mystery. They can seduce on a grand scale. Learn to create the charismatic illusion by radiating intensity while remaining detached.
Here’s an interesting blog post by Greene in which he contemplates the character of the Rake some more: Click here.
On the Superiority of Internally-Driven Game
January 9, 2008
It’s great to be back in North America. I’d thought I’d have to brave bitter cold winds here in the northeast, but we’re going through a warm spell, which would be perfect if it weren’t for the accompanying rain. Still, it’s warmer here now than in Beijing, so I can’t complain 
But God, do I miss my girls in Asia. Despite all the technology, like skype and other such programs, they really do seem so far away. I think it’s good for me, though, to take some time for myself and get centered again, away from the pernicious influences of the feminine energy Yeah, right. I don’t think I can last very long as a hermit like this. My work can be very solitary, and right now, I’m beginning the busy season.
Good thing I’ve already lined up a date for Friday… with a white singe
r babe I know, I know, AR, what happened? How could you go back to white girls?! Well, I haven’t had much time to go scouting for hot Asian chicks, who, I must say, are not nearly as abundant here as I remembered. So I made an exception. Besides, it’s nice to switch things up every once in a while. Note, for those without a sense of humor: This is completely tongue-in-cheek; I love girls of all skin colors
I’m also currently considering writing some more lay reports. Those LRs on my sidebar look lonely. Still, after a while, they get repetitive since the keys to the lay are always the same–the fundamentals. But they do make for good stories, so maybe I’ll report on the inconsequential but entertaining bits. I’m also trying to get away from reporting details about the girls I’m with, as I don’t feel entirely comfortable introducing the girls to guys who already know the details on how I laid them. It’s more of a respect thing. I simply don’t kiss and tell… er, unless there is a highly educational benefit to doing so. Feel free to let me know if you’d like to see more LRs.
Now on to the good stuff.
When I want to make changes to my game, the most effective strategy for me is to get at the root of the problem. That is, I look for the mental states, frames, beliefs that are causing the issue and correct those. And then I work myself into the desired state and only then consider what I would do in the given situation. So:
1. Identify the sticking point.
2. Identify the mental state(s) that is at the root of the problem. This is the undesirable mental state.
3. Identify why and how I got into the undesirable mental state.
4. Generate ways to avoid getting into that mental state again.
5. Identify the mental state(s) that I should be in. This is the desired mental state(s).
6. Get myself into the desired mental state(s).
7. Only then do I consider what I would do on the outside, i.e., what I would say or how I would act.
8. Figure out how I can get and keep myself in the desired mental state.
What I used to do, and what I see a lot of guys, including plenty of supposed gurus, still doing is going straight from step 1 to step 7, and skipping everything in between, as well as the last step. They think that it’s easier to fix the externals, what to say and do, than the internals, what to think and feel.
The problem is that there are hundreds of possibilities of externals that would work in any given situation. That’s just way too much to remember and process. It’s information overload. It’ll take four times as long, and probably longer, to improve that way than by paying proper attention to your mental and emotional states ( I will use “mental state” as a shorthand for “mental and emotional states”).
The other problem is that you have to be one hell of an actor (though my actress friends say that you can’t properly act out an emotional scene unless you’re feeling those emotions, or something very similar, in that moment) because your incorrect mental states will betray you and infect all your externals so that no matter what you say or do, nothing will work. Trust me. I’ve been there.
What these guys will do is to figure out that one clever line: “Oh, if I had just said that one come-back, she’d have been mine!” and then they generalize thusly: “Well, next time, I’ll say that clever come-back line.” But of course, weeks go by before they can pull out that clever line and use it to good effect. Why? Because probably that situation was unique in too many respects to generalize based solely on outer game externals.
It’s better to focus on the internal mental states simply because they really are at the root of the problem, and there are far fewer variations in mental states than in external actions and words. When you are in the right mental state, you can do or say almost anything and still be effective (NB., that’s the real secret of the true natural, but more on that in a later post).
Trying to fix a sticking point by correcting the externals and ignoring the mental states is like treating the symptoms rather than curing the disease. Get to the root of the problem.
Now what I am NOT saying is that verbal content is insignificant. There are plenty of lines, routines, games that work in diverse contexts, and when you’re too nervous or unable to get into state quickly enough, it’s good to fall back on those. Plus, there are some really great verbal techniques, like threadcutting and conversation leading, that are simple to learn and yield tremendous benefits. Also, just plain talking can get you in the right mental state, which is the case for me and is my favorite way of warming up.
Also, this assumes that you already have the fundamentally correct body language. If you don’t, first work on that. This factor probably accounts for the single biggest problem for most guys starting out. If you haven’t got the right body language, that would be your biggest sticking point. And ironically, it’s also one of the easiest things to fix. Just constant attention to it for about 6 weeks, and you’ll hardly ever have to worry about it again. Also, correcting your body language alone can often put you in the correct, desired mental state. You can, though, correct your body language by going into the desirable mental state. But correcting body language is so simple that you can do it right away.
Moreover, I am not saying that physical movement like logistics and kino escalation are unimportant. In fact, you will find that once you’ve got your internal game down pat, the only thing preventing you from hooking up most times is logistics. And sometimes, you also have to remind yourself to step up and kino escalate.
So what I AM saying is that for the vast majority of big sticking points, it’s much faster and more effective to examine the mental state(s) rather than try to tinker with the externals.
For example, one of my biggest sticking points just a year ago was my tonality. In fact, it was so bad that I wasn’t even conscious of it. Other guys would try to point it out, but I wasn’t really aware of it while it was happening. Apparently, my voice changed in a bad way whenever I tried to pick up a girl.
The cure came from Sebastian Drake, who diagnosed the problem immediately. His cure was to get me first to imagine the most beautiful place on earth I’ve ever been (which for me at the time were certain places in Bali, Indonesia) and to soak in the environment. Only then did I open my mouth to speak. And oh, the difference! My tonality became smooth, sensual, and completely relaxed and non-needy.
For a few months thereafter, I had to consciously remind myself to go into that state (what I subsequently called, the “Bali state”) wh
enever I got nervous talking to a girl. It worked like a charm. Now, I very rarely have to do so because I became unconsciously competent with this kind of tonality. When I’m with a girl of extraordinary beauty, however, I will sometimes get nervous, but all I have to do is access that mental state again by imagining I’m lying on a deserted beach in Bali, and I’m golden.
Another example is being in the mental state of not needing the girl. I can now quickly identify that sinking feeling when I’ve become dependent on a girl’s validation or approval. You know, that feeling you get when you actually care what she thinks of you. F–k, that’s one of the worst feelings in the world for me now! I know that as soon as I’m in that state, it’s just a matter of time, sometime minutes, before I’ve lost her.
So what do I do? I imagine walking away from her and never seeing her ever again and … leading a perfectly happy life without her. I see myself from behind walking away from the girl and towards a bright light and imagine my disassociated self smiling. I then feel a little bit sad (sometimes if she’s an MLTR or FB, I’ll be quite sad) that I won’t see her again, but then I sense a feeling of calm relief and contentment wash over me and the neediness goes away.
Amazingly, whenever I do this, something about my subcommunications changes. I don’t even have to do a take-away physically or verbally. I just do it mentally, and she senses it. Maybe it’s through my eye contact or something, I don’t know. Whatever it is, it’s unconscious. I don’t think about what to say or do. I’m just focusing on the mental state and the externals take care of themselves. Next thing you know, she’s trying to win my approval again. It’s like magic.
Another great example comes from having the proper “Focus” when socializing. I understand this in much the same way as theApproach. What should occupy 90%+ of your mental energy when you are out socializing boils down to three simple things:
1. Have fun.
2. Socialize and make other people have fun.
3. Make connections and see if people meet your standards.
Only 10% or less of your mental energy should be consumed by techniques, waypoints, logistics (ideally you’ll have worked out most of the logistics beforehand), and everything else.
Being in the right mental state(s) will make all the difference when you’re talking to all kinds of people, not just hot girls.
Guys have been wondering how I’ve been able to improve so fast. I think this is the key. Now, when I make improvements to my game, I think almost entirely in terms of what I should be thinking about and feeling. I go through as many of the above eight steps as possible. Before you know it, I’ve conquered another sticking point.
Happy playin’, The Asian Rake.
