If you are a man who is unsatisfied with your current attraction skills, here is a lesson for you.

You can learn to be better with women and with people in general. You can cultivate, train and hone your social skills to a very advanced degree, just as with any sport or artistic endeavour.

The mere fact that being good with people is something you can learn and develop is, to many people, a revolutionary revelation.

A perfect example of this lesson is the rapidly growing movement of men cultivating their skills in romance and dating.

All over the world, there are gatherings of men learning to get better with women.

They refer to themselves as ‘the community’, and through the help of online networks, a community member can go country-hopping across the world meeting other members, enjoying their hospitality and learning the ropes of the local social scene. It’s even represented right here in Singapore.

You can spot some of these members through their use of scripted routines to generate attraction. The routines that begin with: ‘So who lies more, men or women?’, ‘Hey, are you two best friends?’ or ‘You have the perfect C-shaped smile.’

Each of these lines leads into a canned routine that the aspiring pick-up artist has prepared and practised beforehand.

A decade ago, this was an underground sub-culture. Nowadays, it is practically a mainstream social phenomenon in the English-speaking world.

In the 2005 New York Times bestseller The Game: Penetrating The Secret Society Of Pick-up Artists, journalist Neil Strauss entertainingly exposed the early phases of the movement from his personal perspective and involvement.

Secret no more

As the founders of several different pick-up artist companies, which generate millions of dollars in revenue each year, broke into mainstream consciousness with appearances on several highly respected US and UK TV shows, the ’secret society’ was no longer a well-kept secret.

They spawned similarly themed reality TV shows, such as the popular Canadian show, Keys To The VIP, now going into its fourth season.

When one of the most prominent pick-up artist companies in the world was given its own reality TV series on VH1, The Pick-up Artist, this previously underground community had cemented its place in modern pop culture.

While I certainly don’t endorse all these companies’ teachings, especially in their reliance on canned routines, the one take-away lesson from them that can apply to everyone is that being good with people and women in particular is something you can learn, practise and get better at.

But it takes guts and perseverance. It means you have to put yourself out there. It requires you to set aside your ego and be ready to make mistakes - a lot of mistakes.

The men who saw major and rapid improvement had all prepared themselves to start conversations with hundreds of strangers. Most social artists try to talk to at least 500 strangers a year. Many interact with more than 1,000 a year.

In my first intensive year practising social skills, how many times did women reject me? At least a hundred.

Let’s put that in perspective. How many shots has Michael Jordan, arguably the greatest basketball player ever, missed in his career?

In his own words, immortalised in that famous Nike commercial, Jordan says, ‘I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games.

‘On 26 occasions, I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot and I missed.

‘And I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is precisely why I succeed.’

That’s the sure-fire way not only to catch, but also to keep a man.

A great example of the principle of compliance in action is the courtship of Mr Barack and Mrs Michelle Obama, the US President and First Lady.

As recounted in Mr Obama’s book, The Audacity of Hope, Mrs Obama used incremental amounts of compliance to add up to a sizeable investment of time and effort by him.

He met his future wife when she was an associate at a law firm. She was then assigned to mentor him. Notice that she was in the relatively higher position.

As the now famous story goes, Mr Obama was smitten by her and tried to pursue her.

But she refused to date him, saying that it would be inappropriate to date at work or mix work with pleasure.

She told him she had big career plans and was ‘on the fast track’ upwards.

She had ‘no time for distractions like men’.

Talk about showing you are non-needy, non-supplicative and independent!

Of course, all of these words and gestures just increased for him her value and attraction.

Mrs Obama embodied many of the traits I’ve been recommending in my columns for catching and keeping your Mr Right.

She’s happy, busy, hard to get, professional, not at all desperate, and knows what she wants from life.

Mr Obama said she was simply ‘lovely’.

The future President finally convinced her to get some ice-cream together, which was a brilliant move on his part, too, with a first date marked by the 3Cs of Dating - it was convenient (keeping at a minimum Mr Obama’s own investment of time and effort), cheap (no pressure-filled dinners or awkward multi-course silences), and conducive to conversation.

The couple shared a chocolate ice-cream kiss, and the rest is history.

Supportive

Mrs Obama not only applied the principle of compliance to her dating life, but also to her marriage.

Even though she is a talented and experienced lawyer in her own right, she wholeheartedly supports her husband, never trying to upstage or embarrass him.

She has managed to raise, by all accounts, two unspoilt daughters.

She has even become something of a fashion icon with the US and international press and paparazzi, who watch and gossip over her and her daughters’ sophisticated but sweet outfits.

She even compares well next to the French president’s extraordinarily fashionable wife, former supermodel Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, who has her own tale of compliance in action.

And as far as any journalists can tell, Mr Obama and his wife’s marriage is a happy union.

Maybe in some respects, there is such a thing as happily ever after.

Those players out there desperately don’t want you to know this. But I’m fed up with seeing girls hurt by guys who play with emotions.

Ladies, if you want to test whether a guy is a player, employ the concept of ‘compliance’, which was brilliantly expounded by the renowned professor of psychology, Robert Cialdini.

Make your guy invest in you.

It’s a simple concept, but it can be hard to implement.

If all you want are short flings, though, don’t do this, as it will actually make it harder for you to hook up with random hunks, especially the insecure ones who don’t know what they want in a woman.

Instead, flirt relentlessly. Stand near the bar, and smile at every guy who catches your fancy. When he returns your glance, look at him coyly with your chin tilted downwards.

When he comes over to talk, be friendly, forgiving, and encouraging. Don’t touch him too fast as you don’t want to scare him off.

Don’t talk too much to your friends. You want to make it as easy as possible for him.

Obviously, this is the sort of advice many boys want me to give out to girls. Sorry to disappoint you, boys.

If you want your love interest to commit to you, make him invest as much time and effort in you as possible.

Why? Imagine, for example, a $1,000 designer purse that you bought for yourself after having saved up for many months. You value it more because you put in all the time and effort to work hard, save your money, and then spent it on this purse.

Now, imagine that you’ve won a purse in a contest that your friend entered for you. This purse is also worth $1,000.

If you absolutely had to give one away, which one would it be? Most people would say they’d give away the one they got for free, of course.

Now let’s raise the stakes. Imagine that you accidentally got some scratches and stains on the purse you worked and saved really hard to buy. And then you were forced to choose which one you would keep.

Pure rationality tells you that you should keep the unblemished purse you won.

But which one would most people want to keep? That’s right. The one they saved up many months for. Why? Because they invested their blood, sweat and tears in it.

Start off small

As with most skills, you will get better with experience. You don’t want to ask him to invest too much, especially at the beginning. Start off small, and increase gradually.

This should start from the very beginning.

When you see your target in the room, don’t stare at him or approach him. If he really wants you, he will work up the nerve to approach you once he notices you.

Don’t stand in one place too long. Keep working the room. If he really likes you, he will have to catch you in motion.

When he approaches you, don’t think, ‘Oh, I’m so lucky!’ Instead, think, ‘Any man would be lucky to have me’.

Smile and answer his questions politely, but don’t say too much. You should seem modest, shy, and even a little mysterious.

Don’t bore him. Instead, leave him hungry for more. End the conversation first. Tell him you’d like to go talk to your friends for a while. If he really wants you, he’ll search the crowded room for you later.

When he works up the courage to ask for your contact information, don’t make it too easy for him. When he stumbles over his words because he’s so nervous, that’s a good thing.

The more he invests in you, the more he will value you.

Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website:www.powerofbeingasian.com

Have problems finding love? Make a date with Dr Date. He’ll go over the finer points of courtship in his weekly column in TheNew Paper on Sunday.

E-mail your questions to tnp@sph.com.sg

How important are looks when you are trying to get a girl?

Sincerely, John

Dear John,

Guys tend to focus exclusively on girls’ looks.

Then they mistakenly assume that women are the same way.

Women care much less about looks than most guys think.

Girls want to be the prettier one in a relationship, anyway.

Most of what really attract women are a man’s other qualities: Confidence, charisma, energy, masculinity, and the willingness to laugh at himself, including at his own beer belly.

Besides, strong body language, a fun vibe, and fashion sense can add a lot of points to a man’s attractiveness immediately.

Once you are interacting with a girl, what really matters is how you make her feel.

S-squared means to move smoothly and sensually. This is your default style of movement, the way you should move at least 80per cent of the time.

Deviate from this only in emergencies or other exceptional circumstances.

To attract masculine men, be a feminine woman. If you are more attracted to feminine men, then it’s fine to be more masculine. Your masculinity will make up for his lack. However, I’ll assume that you are interested in confident men of purpose.

To attract such men, make all your gestures soft and slow, not jerky or self-conscious.

When your hair falls across your face, don’t flick at it nervously. Instead, tilt your head slowly, and comb back your hair using your hand in a smooth sweeping motion.

You never slurp your drink; you sip it. Neither do you slurp your soup, or blow on your hot tea to cool it. That’s what nannies do when they feed children.

When you are with a man you like, you are not to be a nanny or a child. Instead, if your tea is too hot, wait for it to cool. When eating soup, draw your spoon away from you, fill it only partially, and sip it slowly without slurping or making any sounds.

Eat slowly. Cut your food into small bite-sized pieces before eating it. This demands self-control, especially when you are starving. Chew slowly. Savour every bite. Not only will your digestion improve, so will your attractiveness to men.

When someone calls your name, don’t swing your head quickly to look. Rather, pause, and move your head slowly to face the person, and smile slowly. Remember, smooth and sensual. Not jerky or twitchy.

You’re a star

At social events, pretend you’re a movie star and walk like you’ve just stepped off a private jet from Paris. Remember your default body stance. Stand with your back straight. Hold your head high. Walk purposefully, not aimlessly.

When you make your entrance, take a step to the side and scan the room slowly until you spot somewhere you want to go or a friend you want to talk to. Then, stride slowly and gracefully while looking straight at your intended destination.

Don’t whip your head from side to side to check out the cute guys or hot girls, or to see who is watching you. Use your peripheral vision for that and don’t move your head. Smile. Force a smile if you have to.

Act as if you’re only in town for one night, and if that lucky hunk doesn’t swoop in and snatch you, it’ll be his loss!

Come back in the coming weeks when we’ll look at how to position yourself to avoid players and win over Mr Right.

Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website:www.powerofbeingasian.com

I am a 35 year-old man, but I’m interested in dating a 21-year-old lady friend. I think we really get along, but my friends say she won’t like me because she is too young for me. What do you think?

Sincerely, Jerald.

Dear Jerald,

If you’re getting along well with this woman, then who cares what your friends think? The question is what do you want? For that matter, who cares what ’society’ thinks? Be your own man. You and your 21-year-old love interest are both adults.

Make up your own minds.

The good thing is that it is completely acceptable and even highly desirable in most cultures for older men to date younger women. In fact, this has been the common practice among the most powerful men in human history.

You might be surprised at how much younger women like older men. Girls appreciate men who are more mature, cultured, and experienced.

The fact of your age difference means much less to her than the way you can make her feel. And if you make her feel good, even if your friends or her friends tease you, it won’t matter; she will stay with you. In fact, if she stays with you despite her friends’ teasing, that is even better for you, as it will cement her attachment and investment in you.

Remember, too, the concept of emotional contagion. If it doesn’t mean anything to you, then it won’t matter to her either.

The same applies to younger men who want to date older women. Older women appreciate the energy, vitality, and love of fun and adventure that younger men can bring.

Lots of older women have dreams about being with a younger guy. They enjoy the challenge of finding someone pure who hasn’t yet been corrupted by the hard world.

What is important isn’t your age. The ultimate value you can offer her is how you can make her feel.