You know, the kind typified by stale, stiff, interview-like questions one after the other, punctuated by awkward silences.

Some men think that they can convince a girl to like them through sheer reasoning. He presents the pros and cons, and then demonstrates why the advantages of picking him as a mate outweigh the disadvantages.

To my embarrassment, I approached romance this way for much of my adult life.

My friends and I enjoyed engaging in intellectual debates and thought that everyone was like us. With regret, I even recall trying to debate Canadian fiscal policy with a hot girl at a dance club.

My mistake

Being with me was a lot like trying to have a romantic relationship with a Vulcan from Star Trek, all logic and no heart. Don’t make my mistake.

Ignore the irrationality of passion and emotion at your own romantic peril, for as decades of psychological and neuro-scientific research has shown, human beings are driven much more by their emotions and intuitions than by rational processes.

The only exceptions are likely to be, as psychologist Jonathan Haidt has remarked, either philosophers or psychopaths.

So what’s the key to an effective first date?

It is scientifically proven that emotional arousal, particularly in the form of adrenaline, produces sexual attraction to those present.

For instance, in a study by D G Dutton and A P Aron published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that anxiety-producing situations generate more sexual interest in the people involved.

As the same study also showed, if we are emotionally aroused, we are more likely to be attracted to those nearby even if the arousal does not come from that person.

So if your first experience together is emotionally stimulating, your date will transfer the strong emotions to you.

Thus, on your next date, do something adventurous, spontaneous, risky, unexpected, or even frightening. Take her jet skiing, surfing, or sky diving. Play challenging video games together.

If you have access to an amusement park with roller coasters and haunted houses, that is a perfect option.

Emotional arousal and transference are why watching a scary movie, a stirring play, or a rousing concert together can be a good idea.

Just remember to make time for conversation afterwards.

Sharing anxiety and talking about emotional experiences, especially your most frightening or humiliating times, can bring a couple much closer together.

This includes any kind of childhood regression. Our childhoods were filled with emotional ups and downs.

Recalling these experiences not only can help us learn more about ourselves, it can also engender lots of intense emotions. Adrenaline and anxiety are proven aphrodisiacs.

And I like to expose the shortcomings of traditional dating customs. After all, what’s the point of writing yet another hackneyed dating advice column?

Yet, on the of question whether men should pay on the first date, I find myself siding with tradition.

Yes, I do see the appeal of the argument that says that this expectation that the man should pay is a socially constructed and potentially harmful gender role.

Despite this, my experience has been that it is perfectly acceptable and even chivalrous for the man to pay on the first date, especially if it was he who did the inviting.

The tricky part is that most men who buy dinners and gifts too early in the relationship are actually trying to buy her affection.

In fact, this is a kind of manipulation and smart women know this.

This attempt to ‘purchase’ a woman comes from his need to compensate for his self-perceived lack of an attractive identity or character.

He feels he’s not good enough just for being who he is, so he feels he has to bribe her with fancy dinner and expensive gifts. Ultimately, it comes down to his lack of self-confidence.

Men should not feel that their worthiness is indexed to how much they can buy for the girl. A good man would not want a woman to feel that she is being bought or that he expects something simply because he has paid.

Go cheap

So to avoid all this potential confusion and hassle, a good rule of thumb is to avoid any expensive first dates.

Especially if you don’t have much spare cash, don’t go for pricey and fussy dinners. Look for cheap date alternatives that are still fun and memorable. Check out my previous columns for thrifty date suggestions.

An excellent frugal date is to teach her something. Is there something you do regularly anyway that you could easily bring her along and teach her to do? Teach her how to surf or to play pool. Or grab some Muay Thai boxing gloves and teach her how to throw a proper punch!

You’ll both have a blast, and she’ll remember you forever.

Remember that one of the three Cs of first dates is convenience (the other two are conversational opportunities and cheap but fun).

A trait that women universally find repelling in men is neediness.

Women want a man who is independent and has a purpose in life that is not her.

He knows who he is, knows what he wants, and is brave enough to stand up for it.

So how can you have a non-needy date?

Simply invite her to join you in doing what you want to do anyway.

For instance, one of my friends often has a lot of little chores to do at the shopping mall at the start of the week. He has to pick up and drop off his dry cleaning, visit the post office, buy a few new accessories, and get the groceries.

Conveniently, these are all available at the shopping centre which is about a 10-minute walk from his apartment.

So one of his favourite first dates is to invite the lady along to run his errands.

That way, if he does not like her much, he would have got his chores done anyway, and they can part at the end of it.

In between visiting the post office and the dry cleaners, they will usually pass several clothing boutiques and pop in to try on some fun outfits.

He gives her his opinion on what looks flattering on her and what does not. And she helps him pick out a couple of T-shirts.

Before they go grocery shopping, they stop by the ice cream shop and chat over shared desserts.

Singapore is full of shopping areas where the post office, dry cleaners, clothing stores, coffee shops, ice cream eateries, and grocery stores are all within walking distance of each other.

Notice that they are continually changing venues within a short span of time. This helps create the impression that they’ve known one another for much longer and been through a lot more together.

It’s like going on the traditional first three dates but in under three hours.

Another one of my friends enjoys picking up knick-knacks for his home from Ikea.

He invites his first dates along on his frequent shopping expeditions there.

They play ‘house’ on the showroom floor, throw each other playfully on the showroom beds and chase one another around the living room sets.

Snack & chat

They usually stop in the middle of the shopping trip to grab a snack at the cafeteria and have a nice chat.

Perhaps the one downside is that he would sometimes buy more than he needed. I still remember accompanying him on his refund trips!

One of my friends enjoys checking out hole-in-the-wall eateries and new family-run dining establishments, the kind that have amazingly authentic food but are not terribly fussy or expensive.

You don’t always have to go to hawker centres for inexpensive dishes. There are plenty of great, little restaurants hidden around town - you just have to do a little poking around to find them.

The key principle is that the activity should be something you would do anyway, whether it’s running errands, shopping for your home, or exploring new eateries.

You’re just inviting your date along to experience your world.

‘Death to the dinner date!’ I proclaimed.

However, there is a right way of doing the dinner date that can keep things fun and light.

Recall the 3 Cs of Dating:

1. Conducive to Conversation

2. Cheap but Fun

3. Convenient

Traditional dinner dates are usually bad because they tend to be overly fussy affairs with a stiff formality and an interview-like conversational vibe.

Plus, if you eat until you’re full, you might get a little sleepy or bloated or worse. This is definitely not the sort of situation you want on a date.

And the more expensive the dinner is, the more social pressure you are putting on her and yourself. First dates are already nerve-wracking enough - why add extra stress?

So can dinner dates ever work? Sure, they can. But they are best reserved for later in the relationship when you are more comfortable with each other.

If you are going to do a dinner date early on, then do the cooking date. This works really well as a second or third date, although I have friends who also do this successfully as a first date.

Tell your date that you really enjoy homecooked meals and that you are planning to whip together a simple dinner. Say that you could use her help, and invite her to go grocery shopping with you and to chip in with a simple dish of her own.

If you don’t know how to cook, don’t worry. I didn’t either. Do a google search for ’simple recipes for men who don’t know how to cook’. Basic pasta dishes are ideal.

Meet at a nearby coffee shop or gelato stand first for a quick, energising snack or drink, and chat for a little. You can even do a bit of window shopping together if there are interesting stores around.

Go to the grocery store together to pick up the necessary ingredients. Make sure you keep the shopping light and fun. Feel free to tease her in the aisles. And remember to poke fun at yourself and laugh.

Going grocery shopping together is also good because it gives her the feeling that you are already a couple since this is the sort of thing that long-term couples do.

When you get home with your ingredients, you don’t have to start cooking right away. Have some music and pour yourselves some wine. Relax.

Remember to keep things light and fun even when you are cooking and the kitchen is a complete mess. Just remember to be careful around knives!

Once you’ve finished cooking, pop in a good movie while you enjoy your meal. Avoid the blood and gore of action and horror movies. Artistic films with beautiful cinematography work best. Or you can listen to some great music while you chat some more.

If your parents or housemates are in, take your dinner in your own room and watch the DVD on your computer monitor or listen to the music on your bedroom sound system.

You can eat while reclining on your floor pillows or rug. I’ll leave you to figure out where to go from there.