For example, how do you know when you’ve done a good job?

If you’re externally validated, that is, you look to others to validate you, the answer would come from outside.

Your boss pats you on the back and says your work was great. You get a raise. Your work is noticed and applauded by your peers and you win a big award.

Looking primarily to this sort of external approval means that you are mainly externally validated.

If you’re internally validated, your evidence comes from inside yourself. Such a person could design a building that wins many architectural awards but if he does not feel that it is special, all the outside approval won’t convince him that it is.

Conversely, if he does what he thinks is a good job but only gets a lukewarm reception from his boss or peers, he will trust his own instincts and judgment rather than theirs.

Very few people are completely one or the other. We generally fall somewhere in between.

Most of us are mainly externally validated. We look to our parents, peers, society and the media to tell us what to like or dislike, what is good or bad, and what is cool or hip.

When it comes to male-female relationships, women are evolutionarily adapted to prefer men who are leaders.

What trait is common among leaders? A truly effective leader is strongly internally validated. While he may gather counsel from his advisers, he wouldn’t be much of a leader if he spends all his time asking others what they think before he acts.

In the end, based on information at hand, the leader decides for himself and takes responsibility for his decision.

These are men who take charge, know who they are and what they stand for, and know what they want and go for it.

Here’s a great example of how being externally validated can have a negative impact:

A man is dating a woman he thinks is breathtakingly beautiful. But all his peers think she is just average-looking.

If he is externally validated, over time, he would change his view of her to fit that of his peers. He would doubt his own judgment. His perspectives are fed to him by others.

Then there is the way one views malicious gossip-mongers.

Hurt by gossip?

There will always be those in society who have nothing better to do and are, in the words of best-selling author Timothy Ferris, ‘full-time idiots’. They are bitter gossip-mongers who spend inordinate amounts of time speculating in conversations, printed media and in online forums and blogs about the private lives of people they secretly envy. Those with true inside knowledge know how far off the mark gossip-mongers often are from the truth.

If you’re externally validated and a subject of such rumours, you might be affected by the comments.

But if you are strongly internally validated, you will treat such gossip, including even a positive one, with mild amusement. You really don’t care what random strangers think about you.

So what should you do to make yourself more internally validated?

You need to do develop new patterns and ways of thinking. You have to break your old habits and train yourself to have good habits.

Being internally validated comes primarily from self-confidence, which in turn comes from experience and reflection. If you’ve done something successfully for 10 or 20 years, you’re probably very internally validated about that activity. If you’re a beginner, you’re likely unsure of yourself in that context.

So figure out which parts of your life are most important to you, and reflect hard and gain experience in these areas.

Then monitor yourself to see whether you are being needlessly swayed by your peers, or whether you really think and feel that way. Don’t mindlessly follow or obey others. Be your own man.

In a major study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, J M Montepare and L Zebrowitz-McArthur show that many people react more favourably to those whose walking style seems more youthful than to those whose walk seems elderly, regardless of the actual age or gender.

What did they mean by ‘youthful’ posture and gait? Flexibility, primarily.

The upside of this is that you don’t actually have to be young to appear young.

So no matter how old you are now, remember to stand up straight and walk with a bounce in your step. Believe it or not, how you stand and walk plays a powerful role in how attractive you are to the opposite gender.

This seems simple, but it could take a few months to get your body used to adopting a naturally youthful posture and gait. Training in yoga or sports involving flexibility can also be very helpful.

Theories abound on why we are more attracted to youth, which in this case means mainly physical fitness. The most widely accepted is that physical fitness in men and women is selected for by evolutionary processes.

Along with a strong posture and walk, a person’s face can also appear more attractive through another simple technique: The smile.

Often, we try to read other people’s feelings and thoughts by looking at their body language and facial expressions.

This is because we believe that our moods affect our physical states.

But research has shown that the reverse is also true. Changing our physical self can directly affect our emotional and mental states. By changing our physiology, we can actually alter our brain chemistry.

For example, while it is generally understood that people smile when they are happy, numerous studies reveal that when we smile, we actually put ourselves in a better mood. Conversely, if you were to frown for a few minutes, you would likely feel worse.

Attractive

Since people are more attracted to happy people than unhappy people, the obvious thing to do is to smile. A lot.

Not only do you communicate that you are relaxed and comfortable, which are attractive traits in themselves, but by the very act of smiling, you actually make yourself feel better.

In addition, breathe deeply and regularly. Breathing properly is integral to appearing and feeling calm and confident.

When we’re nervous, we tend to hold our breaths.

Deep breathing immediately relaxes your central nervous system right down to your spine and literally calms your nerves. This enables you to think more easily, move and speak clearly and confidently.

So remember to adopt a healthy posture and gait, and put on a happy smile.

This week is about what you’re looking for in others.

In interacting with other people, it is essential to have high standards, to know what you like in yourself and in other people, and to know what you expect from others in terms of common courtesy and friendliness.

When a man wants a woman to like him, too often, he will change his mind to please her.

For instance, if he finds out she hates jazz music, he will nod and agree, even though he is an ardent jazz fan. He does this because he thinks this will make her more inclined to like him.

Actually, the opposite is true. Nobody likes a spineless sycophant. Even if she disagrees with your view of jazz music, she will respect you for having the guts to disagree with her.

One of the best ways to communicate this is through screening and complimenting. This allows you to demonstrate that you genuinely have high standards, allows her to earn your attention and affection for her non-physical qualities, and shows that you appreciate her for her special characteristics and for meeting your standards.

Since you did the simple identity exercises last week, you should have a general idea of what you stand for. Now, you should consider what you’re looking for in a woman.

Usually when I ask a guy what he wants in a woman, he starts rattling off only physical traits, for example her hair colour, her height, bust, waist etc.

But this is exactly what you should not be thinking about. It is important that when you are first getting to know a woman, you screen and compliment her on her personality traits, not on her physical attributes.

So think of at least five non-physical traits that you would like in your romantic partner. Reflect on this right now, and write them down.

Typical non-physical traits that men look for in women include being open-minded, spontaneous, adventurous, independent, faithful, cultured, sophisticated and affectionate.

My friend, Glenn, looks for women who can share his passion for music and art films, while my friend, Brian, looks for women who share his zest for world travel and tasting the local foods of different countries.

How do you work these into a conversation? Using the bridging technique from last week, you can bridge into your screening question from just about any topic.

Now think of five screening questions to match the five non-physical qualities you are looking for.

Observations about her are useful as transitions. Perhaps you notice she has a keen fashion sense. You can then screen her to see if she’s artistic. ‘You seem really artistic. What kind of art do you do?’

Compliment her

If she mentions some countries she’s visited, you can first verbalise your observation and compliment her on this, and then you can screen her further on this trait. ‘You strike me as really well-travelled. I like that. Where is your favourite place to travel?’

Traits that are more generic can also be screened for in this way. If you notice she has a mischievous smile, you can say: ‘I bet you’re really spontaneous, right? What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?’

Whenever she puts in considerable effort to answer your screening questions, remember to reward her. This can be as simple as turning your shoulders to face her more directly, smiling, nodding, or complimenting her. For instance, in the earlier example, you could reward her with ‘So you really are spontaneous. I like that!’

As you weave more screening and rewards into your conversations, you will communicate to others that you have standards you expect from yourself and others. Plus, you will start to find more of the kind of people you’ve been looking for.

But now comes one of the most common questions: ‘What should I talk about?’

People love to talk about themselves, so it’s always a safe bet to ask her about herself.

But the standard questions - questions like ‘Where are you from?’ and ‘What do you do?’ - are boring and don’t engage emotions.

Ask instead about her family, what she was like as a child, or about her passions.

But before all of this, you should realise that she will not open up about herself unless you open up first. You should lead the way.

So the first step is to know yourself. Only then can you really communicate about yourself in an attractive manner.

Take a minute to focus on three or more distinct parts of your identity, and write them down. These can be your career, your philosophy of life, your hobbies, your relationships, or your accomplishments.

Look at the list and rate each item in terms of how proud you are of it and how attractive to women you feel it makes you.

Now take another minute to jot down three or more topics that you enjoy talking about. Some of my favourite topics to talk about are movies, travel to foreign countries, Asian cuisines, psychology, fitness and diet.

Next, make a list of three or more of your dream goals. Think really big here, even if they seem far-fetched. Having a dream and pursuing it makes anyone more attractive.

Choose the top three items on the list and note down what you can do to start pursuing your dreams, even if they are small steps.

Put these three lists together. You now have a total of at least nine topics of conversation in which you are already very interested. You can talk about yourself, your favourite topics, and your dreams.

You can then practise steering conversations to your best topics. This will help you to show your best side.

My friend, Daniel, likes to talk about travel, fashion, music, and yoga. He’s no good at talking about professional sports, so he usually stays away from the topic.

Keep the flow

Bridge from topic to topic to maintain the momentum and flow of the conversation.

For instance, this is something Daniel has said: ‘Funny you mention the difference between American and European football, I noticed quite a lot of differences between Americans and Europeans whenever I travel in those places. The last time I was in New York, the funniest thing happened.’

Notice that Daniel just transitioned from a topic he’s bad at talking about to a topic he really enjoys.

You can practise this skill of conversational bridging in advance. Starting from these topics - baking, politics, farming, religion - devise a sentence for each topic that bridges to one of your best conversational topics.

An excellent way to bridge is to mention someone you know: ‘My mum loves baking! Every time I’m home for the holidays, she bakes the most delicious apple pie.’

From here, you’ve bridged from ‘baking’ and can now talk about food, travel, or family.

You can also broaden your horizons and be interested in a lot of different topics. See my response to today’s reader letter for more.

I don’t have any problems talking to my male buddies about sports, beer and guy topics. But whenever I’m with the girls, they just want to talk about shopping, desserts and girly stuff. How can I relate to this?

Yours, Lost Leonard

Dear Leonard,

If you find yourself in unfamiliar and uncomfortable conversational terrain, you can bridge from these to your favourite topics. See today’s article on conversational bridging for more details.

However, if you find that your best topics are all typically masculine - for example, sports, cars, cage fighting - then it would do you some good to broaden the scope of your interests.

Learn a couple of things about topics that women generally talk about.

You don’t have to know much about something to have a good conversation about it. You just need to be genuinely curious.

Be interested. Search the Internet for a brief background on the topic. Then, the next time it comes up, ask her to teach you something about it: ‘I like how you’re so into fashion. If you were my stylist, what do you think would look best on me?’

Have problems finding love? Make a date with

Dr Date. He’ll go over the finer points of courtship in his weekly column in TheNew Paper on Sunday.