My Real Claim to Fame
July 27, 2009
Here’s my final column for the time being in Singapore’s second-highest circulation paper, The New Paper. I gotta say, I’m disappointed by the headline (”My many intimate dates didn’t lead to happiness”), which gives the piece a negative tone overall. Here’s a link to the article in their online edition.
Below is the original, full version of the article, with the parts that were left out of the published version in bold print.
The Real Claim to Fame
This will be my last column for a while. Ongoing writing projects have been piling up calling for my undivided attention, so I’m taking an indefinite leave of absence from contributing in this space.
Perhaps the biggest lesson I’ve learned in my journey of personal development has been the importance of thinking big and that it is never too late to pursue your dreams.
A few years ago, I was frustrated with my social life. I had been the social misfit and had never mastered those social skills that all the cool people in high school and college just seemed to know instinctively.
I embarked on a period of experimentation and learning to gain the experience and knowledge I missed out on. This involved initiating social interactions with thousands of interesting people, many of whom became my new friends.
I learned a lot about how beautiful women think and feel and about social dynamics overall. And I have endeavored to pass to others the lessons I learned.
Even more, I discovered a great deal of profound insights about myself and made some major and lasting transformations.
I learned that the most significant element in interacting with people is to be your authentic and best self. Be honest about who you are—your limitations and your strengths. As long as you are striving to improve yourself, never be ashamed. I learned that society often tries to impose its own arbitrary social norms, but that a real man determines his own reality.
It’s Never Too Late to Change
I took a stand on the things about myself that I’ve wanted to change for decades but never followed through with. At the ripe old age of 30, I got into the best shape of my life. I also took up new hobbies and learned new skills that I had wanted to pursue for many years but kept putting off. In other words, I stopped making excuses for myself and my social predicament, took responsibility for my own life, and got those parts of my life handled. I started to become my ideal self. And I have never before been happier.
Most of all, I concluded that while intimate encounters with many women may bring a lot of pleasure, it doesn’t lead to sustained happiness. So since 2008, I have instead chosen to have meaningful, long-term relationships.
Early on, during that time of social experimentation, I went on a string of intimate encounters lasting a couple of months. I had mentioned this to the reporter writing the original feature article on me that was published almost a year ago in The New Paper. But somehow the headline misleadingly proclaimed that this was my “claim to fame.”
Actually, in the international attraction industry, which does a brisk business every year in the tens of millions of US dollars, very few people even knew about that statistic. If anything, my real “claim to fame” is various innovations and advancements in a natural, direct style of interacting with women, which I have come to call, Genuine Game. It is predicated on getting yourself into the right place emotionally and mentally, and then expressing yourself honestly and with humor. For more on this, see the articles on my website.
What credentials do I have for coaching others in the social arts? The world of social coaching is unusual in that there is no governing body or set of verifiable standards. A lot of people masquerade as dating coaches. For me, usually, men start by hearing my story and identifying with it. They then read my articles and get my Dating 101 audio course. Then they derive tremendous help from them, so they know that my advice works. If they need feedback that’s more personalized, they’ll get in touch with me, and as I get to know them, I tell them exactly what I can and can’t do to help them.
While I lament the deceptive headline, I do not mean to imply that I think there is anything morally objectionable to casual encounters between mutually consenting adults, or that I have any major regrets about my past. Every man should at least have the freedom to sow his wild oats before settling down, should he choose to do so.
Those experiences contributed to make me the man I am today. Though it took me until my early thirties to figure things out socially and catch up in my facility in social dynamics, it is never too late to realize one’s dreams. Without those experiences, I would likely never have learned enough about women and myself or matured enough emotionally to approach and attract my later long-term girlfriends, who have enriched my life deeply.
While I let slip away much of my social life in high school, college, and my twenties, I now have a whole range of life opportunities open to me that I could have only dreamt of a mere five years ago.
It is never too late to become whoever you want to be.
Although I am on a writing sabbatical, you can still keep in touch with me by signing up for my mailing list, which you can find on the top right-hand corner of my website. Subscribers will get free excerpts of my forthcoming book as they become available. But sign up now as I will be closing the list to new subscribers in the very near future.
I owe a big thanks to the many loyal and supportive fans of this Dr. Date column. See you on the other side!
Dear Dr. Date,
What’s the best way to get a girl’s number?
Yours, Jerky Jeff
Dear Jeff,
This is the wrong question.
What you should really ask is, “How do I get a girl attracted to me?”
If a girl is attracted to you, it is quite easy to get her number. She may even ask you for yours first.
If she is not attracted to you, then it won’t matter how you ask, then the number doesn’t matter. If she gives you a number at all, either she will give you a fake number, or she won’t pick up or return your calls.
So how do you get a girl attracted to you? For more on this, check out the articles on my website and get a hold of the Dating 101 audio course. Let’s keep in touch, Jerky Jeff!
True Social Education in Singapore
July 13, 2009
| The Electric New Paper : | |
| Time we give youths some form of social education | |
| Many under 25 are already visiting nightclubs and drinking alcohol. But can they handle the pitfalls? | |
| WHEN I first arrived in Singapore, I was immediately impressed with the city’s vibrant nightlife at places like Clarke Quay, Robertson Quay and Zouk. | |
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| 13 July 2009 | |
| WHEN I first arrived in Singapore, I was immediately impressed with the city’s vibrant nightlife at places like Clarke Quay, Robertson Quay and Zouk.
Coming from the US and Canada, I was excited to find that Singapore’s nightlife venues surpassed their counterparts in North America, with perhaps only Manhattan and Las Vegas being exceptions. Many Singaporeans who have never ventured across the Pacific are surprised to hear this. They didn’t know that alcohol cannot be served in the US past 2am in most cities. Again, Manhattan and Las Vegas are the rare exceptions. Bars hire bouncers to ensure not a single, open container of alcohol remains on their premises after 2am. Many of Singapore’s bars and clubs are open until sunrise, so Western partygoers love the scene here. Trendy What they also don’t know is that Singapore’s significant clubbing population is just as up-to-date on fashion trends as clubbers in US hotspots like Miami and Los Angeles, and the party people wear outfits that are equally sexy and provocative. Judging by their risque attire and seductive dance moves, Singapore’s under-30 age group is as liberal, fun-loving and open-minded as any group anywhere else in the world . Another surprise is that the legal drinking age in the US is 21, so most nightclubs have a minimum entry age of 21. This means most Americans are neither permitted to set foot inside exclusive nightlife venues nor allowed to consume alcohol until they have almost finished university. Jaded at 21 But in Singapore, many youths start frequenting clubs at 18. Some patronise the same venues so often that by the time they turn 21, they are already jaded club regulars with more nightlife experience than the average 25-year-old in the US. Many conservative Singaporeans, mostly from the older generations, prefer to feign ignorance and cling to their traditionalist illusion that the best strategy is to shelter young people from modern pop culture. In reality, it’s already too late. By turning a blind eye, the conservatives fail to warn young people of the pitfalls of the social activities they pursue. What’s worse is that some older folks, while they mean well, end up undermining the efforts of qualified individuals and groups seeking to educate the youths about the modern social landscape. We should acknowledge that young people acquire social experience much earlier than their predecessors. So we should focus on educating and training the under-25s about how to deal intelligently and skilfully with modern social realities. For instance, young people should learn how to navigate the treacherous waters of modern dating. We ought to teach club-going women how to detect and deal adroitly with men who want only to exploit and hurt them emotionally. We ought to teach young men how best to spot, screen for, connect with and attract prospective future girlfriends. And we need to train them to rely not on alcohol for courage but on their own self-confidence. Priorities for young people are the pursuit of happiness, self-fulfilment and personal freedom, along with an emergent sense of social and environmental responsibility. Many are tolerant and open-minded, accepting diverse views on social issues, including male-female relationships. The issue of whether to allow youths social freedom leads to the bigger question: Do we give them true democracy or do we want some form of authoritarian, paternalistic society? Do we work on the premise that people are weak and can’t rule themselves socially, sexually and intellectually? When we fully understand these social realities, perhaps we will then see greater strides in a social education that is truly appropriate and effective. How to look good and feel good Dear Dr Date, I’ve really enjoyed reading your advice to the boys. I’m a girl and remember that you say physical appearance is key. Can you give more advice on that? Yours, Angelina Dear Angelina, Your question is one I get frequently. Ordinarily, I would recommend learning from magazines like Cleo and Vogue and asking fashionable friends for advice. But a much more effective method is to get an image makeover from an industry expert. There are a number of image consultants in Singapore. One good option is DermaSolutions, which has teamed up with the recently crowned Miss Singapore Universe 2009, Rachel Kum, to offer reasonably priced total image makeovers, including skincare, fashion, and fitness consulting and training. The stylish urban male could also benefit from paying more attention to his facial skin, especially in hot and sunny Singapore. Stores like Kiehl’s and The Body Shop offer excellent products, as does the specialist store What He Wants, which has outlets in Suntec City and The Cathay. They carry the organic Urth brand and the award-winning Dr Bragi line. |
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Copyright © 2005 Singapore Press Holdings Ltd. Co. Regn. No. 198402868E. All rights reserved.
Privacy Statement and Conditions of Access |
Social Freedom
July 5, 2009
This one owes a lot to Brad P.
| The Electric New Paper : | |
| Dr Date | |
| What draws women? Social freedom | |
| THE business of social coaching and dating consultancies has been thriving for almost a decade. If the top experts in the field agree on one thing, it is the importance of this one factor. | |
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| 06 July 2009 | |
| THE business of social coaching and dating consultancies has been thriving for almost a decade. If the top experts in the field agree on one thing, it is the importance of this one factor.
What is the one trait that men who are naturally effective with women possess? Is it their looks, fast cars, or the size of their pocketbooks? While there is no doubt that physical attractiveness and wealth would make it easier for a man to attract women, the more important factor by far is social dominance. Dominance is a prerequisite to acceptance, attraction, excitement, trust, comfort, rapport, arousal and compliance. In study after study, women consistently agree that physical features matter far less than personality and status. In a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology by Professors Sadalla, Kenrick and Vershure, women consistently considered men who were portrayed as dominant, competitive, and determined to be more sexually attractive. In a summary of some of the considerable evidence for the female preference for dominance in males, Professor Bruce Ellis of the University of Michigan suggests that a woman often chooses a mate long before he has had the chance to become a ‘chief’, so she must look for clues for his future potential. Dominance, confidence, decisiveness, courage, ambition - these are the traits that cause men to rise to the top. These are the things women find attractive. What is the No. 1 manner in which dominance is displayed and the most integral requirement for the exertion of dominance? Social freedom. Your degree of social freedom is a sure-fire way for other people to gauge your social dominance. The marked lack of social freedom is probably one of the few major differences that set Singaporean men apart from men in other English-speaking countries. The amount of social anxiety the average Singaporean male carries is astounding. Social freedom is required for the implementation of the best dating advice and strategies. The work of social coaches is to teach non-dominant men dominant behaviour. Social anxiety Many men are studying the social arts but rarely do they practise what they’ve learned; their social anxiety inhibits the application of the material. If you’ve had any of these thoughts, then you know exactly what I’m referring to. ‘I can’t talk to that woman right now. What if that old lady next to her is listening? I can’t walk up to her now because her friends are standing around. What if the strangers around me are watching?’ Thoughts like these cause men to be visibly nervous, which sabotages their interactions. Instead of motivating themselves by thinking, ‘There goes one of the most intriguingly beautiful women I’ve ever seen, and if I don’t approach her now, I’ll lose my chance of ever getting to know her’, they’d rather allow themselves to sink into a self-defeating and self-limiting spiral of negativity. Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com Dear Dr Date, In your earlier articles, you’ve talked about social freedom. What is it, and how do I get it? Sincerely, Stephen Dear Stephen, The key is to slowly and gradually increase the amount of social pressure you can handle. This process requires a concerted effort over a period of weeks or months. While the most effective way to train is with an experienced coach, you can take steps yourself to cultivate social courage. Here are some exercises adapted from the work on Social Freedom by another dating coach, Brad P. Do these twice a week for as long as you continue to see improvement. They usually take 30 to 60 minutes. Keep this up for at least two weeks. - Eye contact. Maintain eye contact for as long as you can with three people. - Time and directions. Ask strangers for the time and directions. - Small talk. Ask for directions and then make small talk for 30 seconds. - Store clerk. Make small talk with a store clerk for two minutes. - Humour. Walk up to a stranger, and make him laugh. You can’t exit the conversation until you make him laugh. - Butting in. Walk up to a group of strangers in conversation. Listen in for a short time. Then as soon as possible, join in, and start talking to them as if you’ve been in the conversation the whole time. Most importantly, have fun, and make other people have fun! Ask Dr Date Have problems finding love? Make a date with Dr Date. He’ll go over the finer points of courtship in his weekly column in TheNew Paper on Sunday. E-mail your questions to tnp@sph.com.sg |
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Copyright © 2005 Singapore Press Holdings Ltd. Co. Regn. No. 198402868E. All rights reserved.
Privacy Statement and Conditions of Access |
For the Women: Attainable Beauty
July 1, 2009
For the considerably growing number of female fans of this site, here’s something for you. My friend, Rachel K., recently crowned Miss Singapore Universe 2009, is sponsoring a make-over contest here in Singapore for the month of July. Rachel has teamed up with several other of our friends to create various make-over programs for the public. They’ve entitled the contest, “VIP,” which stands for “Vanity in Private,” and it’s through the company, Dermasolutions. What is particularly interesting is the mission behind the contest:
“The mission of the V.I.P aims to educate the public on matters of beauty, fashion, style, personal grooming and lifestyle and also to raise funds for charity. Part of the proceeds from all sales of Dermasolutions products and services will go to charity.
“The event will not be a parade of unattainable beauty, but rather a display of real people who have had undergone treatments provided by Dermasolutions and attained great results which can be realistically achieved. By putting a spotlight on peoeple who were voted to have achieved results, Dermasolutions thrives to provide excellent and results-oriented treatments and services.”
Sounds like a worthy cause to me! Through her generosity, I was able to sample the fitness machines, which seemed to do a pretty good job of toning and getting you lean, not just overall, but also allowing you to target specific areas. I also got to try the one of the men’s spa treatments, which was really refreshing and effective.
So check out the site, and if you’re in Singapore, enter the contest and get all your girl friends to enter it, too!
Btw, just to be clear. I am not an affiliate and get no profit at all from getting people to enter the contest. I really do believe that this is a cool opportunity and a great opportunity to contribute to charity.
Click on the images to go the contest site, or go here.
Play on, The Asian Rake.
