Be Your Own Man

For example, how do you know when you’ve done a good job?

If you’re externally validated, that is, you look to others to validate you, the answer would come from outside.

Your boss pats you on the back and says your work was great. You get a raise. Your work is noticed and applauded by your peers and you win a big award.

Looking primarily to this sort of external approval means that you are mainly externally validated.

If you’re internally validated, your evidence comes from inside yourself. Such a person could design a building that wins many architectural awards but if he does not feel that it is special, all the outside approval won’t convince him that it is.

Conversely, if he does what he thinks is a good job but only gets a lukewarm reception from his boss or peers, he will trust his own instincts and judgment rather than theirs.

Very few people are completely one or the other. We generally fall somewhere in between.

Most of us are mainly externally validated. We look to our parents, peers, society and the media to tell us what to like or dislike, what is good or bad, and what is cool or hip.

When it comes to male-female relationships, women are evolutionarily adapted to prefer men who are leaders.

What trait is common among leaders? A truly effective leader is strongly internally validated. While he may gather counsel from his advisers, he wouldn’t be much of a leader if he spends all his time asking others what they think before he acts.

In the end, based on information at hand, the leader decides for himself and takes responsibility for his decision.

These are men who take charge, know who they are and what they stand for, and know what they want and go for it.

Here’s a great example of how being externally validated can have a negative impact:

A man is dating a woman he thinks is breathtakingly beautiful. But all his peers think she is just average-looking.

If he is externally validated, over time, he would change his view of her to fit that of his peers. He would doubt his own judgment. His perspectives are fed to him by others.

Then there is the way one views malicious gossip-mongers.

Hurt by gossip?

There will always be those in society who have nothing better to do and are, in the words of best-selling author Timothy Ferris, ‘full-time idiots’. They are bitter gossip-mongers who spend inordinate amounts of time speculating in conversations, printed media and in online forums and blogs about the private lives of people they secretly envy. Those with true inside knowledge know how far off the mark gossip-mongers often are from the truth.

If you’re externally validated and a subject of such rumours, you might be affected by the comments.

But if you are strongly internally validated, you will treat such gossip, including even a positive one, with mild amusement. You really don’t care what random strangers think about you.

So what should you do to make yourself more internally validated?

You need to do develop new patterns and ways of thinking. You have to break your old habits and train yourself to have good habits.

Being internally validated comes primarily from self-confidence, which in turn comes from experience and reflection. If you’ve done something successfully for 10 or 20 years, you’re probably very internally validated about that activity. If you’re a beginner, you’re likely unsure of yourself in that context.

So figure out which parts of your life are most important to you, and reflect hard and gain experience in these areas.

Then monitor yourself to see whether you are being needlessly swayed by your peers, or whether you really think and feel that way. Don’t mindlessly follow or obey others. Be your own man.