Believability: Know What You Want

This week is about what you’re looking for in others.

In interacting with other people, it is essential to have high standards, to know what you like in yourself and in other people, and to know what you expect from others in terms of common courtesy and friendliness.

When a man wants a woman to like him, too often, he will change his mind to please her.

For instance, if he finds out she hates jazz music, he will nod and agree, even though he is an ardent jazz fan. He does this because he thinks this will make her more inclined to like him.

Actually, the opposite is true. Nobody likes a spineless sycophant. Even if she disagrees with your view of jazz music, she will respect you for having the guts to disagree with her.

One of the best ways to communicate this is through screening and complimenting. This allows you to demonstrate that you genuinely have high standards, allows her to earn your attention and affection for her non-physical qualities, and shows that you appreciate her for her special characteristics and for meeting your standards.

Since you did the simple identity exercises last week, you should have a general idea of what you stand for. Now, you should consider what you’re looking for in a woman.

Usually when I ask a guy what he wants in a woman, he starts rattling off only physical traits, for example her hair colour, her height, bust, waist etc.

But this is exactly what you should not be thinking about. It is important that when you are first getting to know a woman, you screen and compliment her on her personality traits, not on her physical attributes.

So think of at least five non-physical traits that you would like in your romantic partner. Reflect on this right now, and write them down.

Typical non-physical traits that men look for in women include being open-minded, spontaneous, adventurous, independent, faithful, cultured, sophisticated and affectionate.

My friend, Glenn, looks for women who can share his passion for music and art films, while my friend, Brian, looks for women who share his zest for world travel and tasting the local foods of different countries.

How do you work these into a conversation? Using the bridging technique from last week, you can bridge into your screening question from just about any topic.

Now think of five screening questions to match the five non-physical qualities you are looking for.

Observations about her are useful as transitions. Perhaps you notice she has a keen fashion sense. You can then screen her to see if she’s artistic. ‘You seem really artistic. What kind of art do you do?’

Compliment her

If she mentions some countries she’s visited, you can first verbalise your observation and compliment her on this, and then you can screen her further on this trait. ‘You strike me as really well-travelled. I like that. Where is your favourite place to travel?’

Traits that are more generic can also be screened for in this way. If you notice she has a mischievous smile, you can say: ‘I bet you’re really spontaneous, right? What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?’

Whenever she puts in considerable effort to answer your screening questions, remember to reward her. This can be as simple as turning your shoulders to face her more directly, smiling, nodding, or complimenting her. For instance, in the earlier example, you could reward her with ‘So you really are spontaneous. I like that!’

As you weave more screening and rewards into your conversations, you will communicate to others that you have standards you expect from yourself and others. Plus, you will start to find more of the kind of people you’ve been looking for.