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My Appearance on AXN’s The Duke

August 25, 2009

This was from a few months ago, when I was featured in an episode of AXN Asia’s The Duke. The filming took place in the winter. It was all sort of tongue-in-cheek, and we had a lot of good laughs.

The show’s hosts–Rovilson, Marc, and Eunice–were tremendous fun, totally laidback, professional, and down to earth, without any airs. And the after party was off the hook.

Thanks are due to LL for helping me burn the DVD and edit it into this clip. Enjoy!

My TV Panel on Singaporean Women

August 8, 2009

To all you Singaporeans, Happy National Day! Can’t wait for the fireworks to begin!

Here’s a fun TV show that was filmed a long time ago, but it has only just been released. You can find them on the Razor TV site here.

I’ve embedded below the last two segments and the first segment. You can see the influence of my friend, Zan, in episode 7 and of Brad P. in episode 8.

After doing quite a few TV appearances and interviews, I’ve learned a lot about the media. The number one thing is to stay positive. Some of my hardest earned lessons include:

1. Check with the hosts on set before filming begins about the nature of the questions and the general angle they will be taking. Don’t believe the assurances of the producers over email. They will say whatever they need to get you on set. I learned this the hard way from that old Shan & Rozz interview when the producers said they just wanted to interview people with interesting jobs, but then they took a somewhat hostile angle in the interview. They were all very nice off-camera, though, and Rosalyn did come around early on in the 45 minute interview.

2. Do your due diligence on the show and the hosts. This is somewhat related to #1. Prior to filming that Shan & Rozz show, I had never heard of either Shan or Rozz and knew almost nothing about Clicknetwork beyond the fact that they had only done one episode before mine and that they were an online TV station. I didn’t even think many people would see the show. I also didn’t realize that they were much more of a comedy act than an Oprah-style talk show.

3. Be very careful what you say. Err on the side of saying less. I’m still learning to control my tongue, realizing that the editors’ first and foremost priorities are their own interests. They may very well cut out your best parts and leave in your worst parts. That Shan & Rozz interview lasted about 45 minutes but was edited to a relatively strange 6 minutes.

4. Watch your health and energy levels, and feel free to back out if you’re not feeling well. I was in the middle of a flu and was full of Panadol and Red Bull during that Shan & Rozz interview. In fact, I was still sipping Red Bull right in the middle of the shooting.

I also was on a caffeine high from a big cup of Starbucks coffee right before and during this Razor TV interview. Watching the clips now, I notice I was talking pretty fast, probably too fast for my Singaporean audience, which is probably not used to my Canadian accent. Watch the caffeine intake.

Having said that, this TV filming with Jamie Yeo, Melissa, and Bryan was a lot of fun to do, and we had plenty to talk about. Enjoy! Feedback and flaming are welcome.

Social Freedom

July 5, 2009

This one owes a lot to Brad P.

The Electric New Paper :

Dr Date

What draws women? Social freedom

THE business of social coaching and dating consultancies has been thriving for almost a decade. If the top experts in the field agree on one thing, it is the importance of this one factor.

By David Tan

06 July 2009

THE business of social coaching and dating consultancies has been thriving for almost a decade. If the top experts in the field agree on one thing, it is the importance of this one factor. What is the one trait that men who are naturally effective with women possess? Is it their looks, fast cars, or the size of their pocketbooks? While there is no doubt that physical attractiveness and wealth would make it easier for a man to attract women, the more important factor by far is social dominance. Dominance is a prerequisite to acceptance, attraction, excitement, trust, comfort, rapport, arousal and compliance. In study after study, women consistently agree that physical features matter far less than personality and status. In a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology by Professors Sadalla, Kenrick and Vershure, women consistently considered men who were portrayed as dominant, competitive, and determined to be more sexually attractive. In a summary of some of the considerable evidence for the female preference for dominance in males, Professor Bruce Ellis of the University of Michigan suggests that a woman often chooses a mate long before he has had the chance to become a ‘chief’, so she must look for clues for his future potential. Dominance, confidence, decisiveness, courage, ambition - these are the traits that cause men to rise to the top. These are the things women find attractive. What is the No. 1 manner in which dominance is displayed and the most integral requirement for the exertion of dominance? Social freedom. Your degree of social freedom is a sure-fire way for other people to gauge your social dominance. The marked lack of social freedom is probably one of the few major differences that set Singaporean men apart from men in other English-speaking countries. The amount of social anxiety the average Singaporean male carries is astounding. Social freedom is required for the implementation of the best dating advice and strategies. The work of social coaches is to teach non-dominant men dominant behaviour. Social anxiety Many men are studying the social arts but rarely do they practise what they’ve learned; their social anxiety inhibits the application of the material. If you’ve had any of these thoughts, then you know exactly what I’m referring to. ‘I can’t talk to that woman right now. What if that old lady next to her is listening? I can’t walk up to her now because her friends are standing around. What if the strangers around me are watching?’ Thoughts like these cause men to be visibly nervous, which sabotages their interactions. Instead of motivating themselves by thinking, ‘There goes one of the most intriguingly beautiful women I’ve ever seen, and if I don’t approach her now, I’ll lose my chance of ever getting to know her’, they’d rather allow themselves to sink into a self-defeating and self-limiting spiral of negativity. Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com Dear Dr Date, In your earlier articles, you’ve talked about social freedom. What is it, and how do I get it? Sincerely, Stephen Dear Stephen, The key is to slowly and gradually increase the amount of social pressure you can handle. This process requires a concerted effort over a period of weeks or months. While the most effective way to train is with an experienced coach, you can take steps yourself to cultivate social courage. Here are some exercises adapted from the work on Social Freedom by another dating coach, Brad P. Do these twice a week for as long as you continue to see improvement. They usually take 30 to 60 minutes. Keep this up for at least two weeks. - Eye contact. Maintain eye contact for as long as you can with three people. - Time and directions. Ask strangers for the time and directions. - Small talk. Ask for directions and then make small talk for 30 seconds. - Store clerk. Make small talk with a store clerk for two minutes. - Humour. Walk up to a stranger, and make him laugh. You can’t exit the conversation until you make him laugh. - Butting in. Walk up to a group of strangers in conversation. Listen in for a short time. Then as soon as possible, join in, and start talking to them as if you’ve been in the conversation the whole time. Most importantly, have fun, and make other people have fun! Ask Dr Date Have problems finding love? Make a date with Dr Date. He’ll go over the finer points of courtship in his weekly column in TheNew Paper on Sunday. E-mail your questions to tnp@sph.com.sg

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For the Women: Attainable Beauty

July 1, 2009

For the considerably growing number of female fans of this site, here’s something for you. My friend, Rachel K., recently crowned Miss Singapore Universe 2009, is sponsoring a make-over contest here in Singapore for the month of July. Rachel has teamed up with several other of our friends to create various make-over programs for the public. They’ve entitled the contest, “VIP,” which stands for “Vanity in Private,” and it’s through the company, Dermasolutions. What is particularly interesting is the mission behind the contest:

“The mission of the V.I.P aims to educate the public on matters of beauty, fashion, style, personal grooming and lifestyle and also to raise funds for charity. Part of the proceeds from all sales of Dermasolutions products and services will go to charity.

“The event will not be a parade of unattainable beauty, but rather a display of real people who have had undergone treatments provided by Dermasolutions and attained great results which can be realistically achieved. By putting a spotlight on peoeple who were voted to have achieved results, Dermasolutions thrives to provide excellent and results-oriented treatments and services.”

Sounds like a worthy cause to me! Through her generosity, I was able to sample the fitness machines, which seemed to do a pretty good job of toning and getting you lean, not just overall, but also allowing you to target specific areas. I also got to try the one of the men’s spa treatments, which was really refreshing and effective.

So check out the site, and if you’re in Singapore, enter the contest and get all your girl friends to enter it, too!

Btw, just to be clear. I am not an affiliate and get no profit at all from getting people to enter the contest. I really do believe that this is a cool opportunity and a great opportunity to contribute to charity.

Click on the images to go the contest site, or go here.

Play on, The Asian Rake.

Value is Relative and How to do Challenge Screening

June 19, 2008

Quick reminder: The new The Social Man bootcamp pages are up. I’ll be doing the July 11-13 NYC bootcamp, so go check it out: http://www.thesocialman.com/programs/spark.php

Value is Relative and Challenge Screening

“Value is relative.” I first heard this from Mystery in his classic Venusian Arts Handbook. I’m sure you’ve heard this from countless other teachers, puas, gurus, etc., as well.

But, almost everyone I’ve met has no idea why this matters and no idea that this is the secret to getting to the next level of game—getting girls you currently think are waay outside your league without having to manipulate them through any tricky techniques or run any “game.” This is the game of ‘no-game’ (or wu-wei for you fans of Asian philosophy).

It’s important at the outset to distinguish between high-value, high-status, and high-quality. I’m talking mainly about value here and only incidentally will what I say also apply to status and quality, though of course, status and quality are also relative, though status is less so. And of course, when I say “value,” I mean “social value.” I’ve been asked to expand more on high status game. Well, this is one integral component in interacting and attracting “high-status” women.

I must emphasize that you should forget all about what you’ve probably heard about “social value” and what it means. I don’t think anyone else has really elaborated on the secret weapon hidden in the idea that “value is relative.” Read this post with a fresh and open mind.

Note: This is the first article in a three-part series.

I’m going to discuss this on two levels.
1. The INTERNALLY-DRIVEN level: What’s going on in your mind and the correct mindset and frame to have.
2. The EXTERIOR level: What it often looks like from the outside, what someone who is listening to your conversations and watching you interact with people would see and hear.

1. The INTERNALLY-DRIVEN Level

Imagine you’re sitting with your buddies at the bar of a really nice nightclub. You’re just chilling and having a good time. Then in walks the most gorgeous woman you’ve ever seen. Perfect measurements. Silky, smooth skin. Turning heads with every step. Oozing sexuality with every breath. She’s surrounded by an entourage of admiring alpha males, fawning handlers, and devoted fans. What’s her social value?

It’s a trick question.

Some guys in the community think that what determines a hot babe’s (HB) rating isn’t how hot she is. They’re right about this.

What they say, though, is that what matters is how the other people in the venue perceive and act towards her. If she has a lot of admirers, if a lot of guys in the club think she’s the shit, then probably she’s as high as a 9 or even a highly elusive 10. Even if most guys would agree she’s not nearly as physically attractive as the drop-dead gorgeous girl sitting by herself at the bar, her social value, according to them, is determined by how other people view and treat her and thus, the higher value girl can in these cases be the less attractive girl.

Now there is some sense here. This view of what defines a “high value girl” was partly created to help guys determine how they should “game” the girl. If everybody in the venue thinks she’s a 10, then you have to “game her as a 10,” whatever that means. This applies, so they say, even if, after you strip away all the external trappings of fame, like the entourage of bodyguards and handlers, she’s just a 6 in looks compared to that lonely beauty at the bar, whom no one notices but who most guys would agree is a 9 in looks. So this views holds that instead of rating girls based on how your dick feels about them, you should rate girls based on how other people treat them.

Before I point out the shortcomings to this view, I wish to highlight another alternative that has often been neglected.

Not only can we take into account how other people treat the girl, more importantly, we can take into account how she views herself. Why is this even more crucial than how other people view her?

In terms of how she interacts with other people, if she perceives her own social value to be really high, like a 9, and she has a killer strong frame, then, according to this second view, even if no one else in the bar thinks she’s a 9, she will respond to you as if she were a 9, and if you want to get her, you’ll have to take that into account and “game her” like a 9. This is the case when she’s very internally referenced and doesn’t give a shit what other people think of her; she “knows” that she’s a 9, and she will respond to you as a 9.

Imagine the opposite scenario, where everyone in the club thinks she’s a 10, but she herself thinks she’s only a 7. Are you going to “game her” as a 10? If you do, and she truly believes she’s a 7, then, according to this second view, you’ll probably blow yourself out, lacking believability or attainability.

This second view has a lot going for it, too. If you’re going to take into account other people’s evaluations of value, it’s often more important to take into account the girl’s own perception of her value.

While both of these perspectives are good, there is a much better way to determine social value.

YOU are the one and only judge of her social value. This is the strongest position to take.

If “social value” means what is valuable to society, then you can be a society of one. You can be the sole arbiter of what is important and valued. You are your own society. If you believe this strongly enough, and if your frame is tight, then other people will adopt your hierarchy of values. That’s the profound implication of the idea that value is relative.

In your reality, YOU are the only person whose opinion really matters. You can take everyone else’s opinion under advisement to help inform your final evaluation, but the only judgment that really matters is your own.

This is why being internally referenced, rather than externally referenced, is so important. Almost every natural and every great pickup artist I have ever met is at least 80% (if not more) internally referenced. That is, they look primarily to themselves and not to others in making decisions and forming opinions.

Here’s a simple example. Let’s say one guy really values tall girls, maybe because they remind him of runway models, and he thinks runway models are high value. When this guy sees a 6’ tall girl (182 cm), he immediately gives her a high score.

But then imagine another guy, who is into the cute schoolgirl type (note: the girl in the cosplay pic is an adult; apparently, some Japanese guys really go for this look). Maybe this guy is himself tall and doesn’t think being tall is all that big a deal (my experience is that most tall players, like guys 6’3” (190cm) and up, don’t really care that much about how tall she is). Or maybe all his ex-girlfriends were tall, and he doesn’t like girls that remind him of them. Or whatever. The point is that being too tall, like 6’, is actually a turn-off to him. So, he immediately gives the 6’ tall girl a lower than average score.

This is a pretty obvious example. We could run the exact same thought experiment on just about every feature: hair color, skin color, the shape and size of various facial features, bust size, hip size, etc. I’ve heard plenty of guys, especially in China, say they think Jessica Alba looks just okay, whereas I and plenty of other guys think she’s the bomb. That’s because beauty is relative.

But we’re not just talking about physical beauty here.

This really came home to me when I started to get really good at screening and qualifying. See my article on Believability.

My standards went higher when I actively and self-consciously took on a true screening frame.

Not only did my own standards go up, but I noticed they sometimes deviated from my wings’ standards. After all, the better you get, the pickier you get. For instance, while in America, I started looking exclusively for girls who were really into Asian culture. If a girl didn’t at least know the difference between nigiri sushi and sashimi, or if she wasn’t interested in traveling through Asia, I was instantly turned off. We could be friends, but I’m not going to bother investing 3-4 hours into seducing her.

This became really powerful for me because I realized that when I had TRUE STANDARDS, I could hold my own evaluations of women, and they would buy into my frame and would work harder to meet my standards.

Even if all my wings and all the guys in the club and the girl herself thought that she was a 9, if I thought she was just a 6, I would have a much easier time flirting, teasing, and busting on her than my wings and the other guys there. [Note: When you’re really smitten with a girl, it is often best to just drop the pretense and go genuine interest direct. In fact, if you’re going to do genuine interest direct, it is most effective if you are sincerely blown away by her. See my article on Believability for more on this.]

The converse was true too. Occasionally, a girl passed all my screens with flying colors, making me kind of nervous because I found myself really starting to like the girl and getting too attached to the outcome. Then my wing, who doesn’t value the same things in a girl could come along and have an easier time just being cool with her because he was not outcome-dependent and was ready to walk away from her.

I then realized that if your frame is strong, then the only determination of value that makes any difference to how you game is your own. The only thing that matters is how much value YOU give the girl.

Why? Because value is relative.

[And here I go on a slight tangent: This is why I don’t bother to give my girls ratings in my reports. I have rated girls on status relative to a particular environment as I did in my post on how hard it is for foreign guys in Asia (see Top Posts). In those cases, it is important to take into account how much status they have in their environment and to do that, obviously, you have to include other people’s opinions of them.

But to rate a girl on “value”? What does this really say? When I read a rating, like some guy says the girl he just picked up is a HB9, what does it generally tell me?

The only good reason to rate girls in your report is if you’re comparing or differentiating two or more girls in your report. That is, if one girl is a 9 and one is a 7, you want to say that you thought the first girl was two points higher than the second girl, and that’s why you picked the 9 instead of the 7 as your target. Or, if both girls were a 8, you’re telling me either girl could’ve been your target.

More often that not, a girl’s rating in a field report tells me A LOT more about the writer’s insecurities than about the girl herself. Rather than giving girls ratings, it is far better to give a vivid description of the girl and allow us to form our own opinions.]

All right, then, how does this make a difference in your game?

Before I go into a specific technique that you can apply right away, I’ll explain the mindset.

A girl may think she’s the shit. Everyone around her may think she’s the shit. But if you really, truly don’t give a shit about her, then she’s going to feel it, and if she’s emotionally strong and challenges you, you’re going to get a battle of frame control. If you win, which you should since very few people are really conscious of frame control, she’ll start to adopt your evaluation of her. She’ll start to work for your approval. You withhold your approval until she earns it. You escalate only when she’s earned it.

This is the power of screening and qualifying.

Another example: Many of the girls I dated in China were involved in the entertainment industry somehow. They often dropped names, trying to impress me, at least, that’s how I interpreted it. They would say something like, “And here’s a photo of me shooting that commercial with [the Chinese equivalent of George Clooney],” or “Here’s me on set with [the Chinese equivalent of Martin Scorsese],” or “I’ve worked on movies with [a list of famous directors and actors].”

The great thing is that I’m woefully ignorant of Asian pop culture. I know more than most Asian-Americans but that’s not saying much at all. One of my goals when I got back to Beijing last September was to catch up on all the pop culture.

Fortunately, before I really had a chance to do that I quickly realized that my ignorance was working for me. This is closely connected to frame control in relation to social value.

When these hotties were trying to impress me and recover their frame, it totally didn’t work.

They talked about how they worked with some famous person and then saw the blank look on my face and asked, “You know who [some famous actor or director] is, right?”

Me: “Uh, the name sounds familiar. But, no not really.”

HB: “What? Well, how about [some other famous person.] I worked on his last movie.”

Me (with a goofy smile): “Huh? Nope. Don’t know him. And haven’t seen that.”

Since I’m a “foreigner,” my ignorance is somewhat understandable.

Every attempt by her to impose her frame that she is the prize and has higher value totally fell flat with me because I honestly didn’t know who she was talking about. LOL. Eventually, I started to pick up on the names, but I am still to this day woefully ignorant of Asian pop culture compared to the average Asian local or FOB. And I’m now perfectly happy this way.

I kept interpreting their frame-control attempts as bids to impress me (as IOIs from her). And I’d reward them with qualifications as if they had just passed one of my screens.

Me (very casually): “Wow, that’s cool, though, that you’re in all these movies. You should show me one of those some time.”

HB (thinking either, ‘Gosh, I’m going to have to do a lot more to impress this guy,’ or ‘Geez, I’ll show him, and he’ll worship me like all those other guys,’ either of which work in my favor): “Uh, yeah sure.”

Now imagine this situation in the West. Some hot girl says, “My last boyfriend was Jamie Foxx, and he used to drive me around town in his Hummer. Sometimes, though, he’d be lazy, and he’d just have his driver take us around in the Bentley.” For the average guy, it’s going to be hard not to be impressed or intimidated.

But if you can hold your frame, you can totally turn this around. Your frame in this should be that you must be one mutha-fucking sexy dude because you don’t have a Hummer or a Bentley or any thing near the cash and accouterments that Jamie Foxx can provide, but this girl is still really into you; in fact, she’s so into you that she’s giving you her dating resume, trying to impress you.

I had to do this exact reframe when a girl snuck this in on me when I was tired and had my guard down. I knew who the male Chinese TV star was because she had already pointed him out to me in a magazine. And then the next day, she dropped the bomb that he was her ex-BF from a few months ago and that he used to drive her around in his Hummer or had his driver pick her up in either his Bentley or Benz. For their first date, he flew her and her girlfriend to a coastal city to accompany him for a week while he was filming on location. She said all this as if she was expecting me to be jealous. Clever girl

Okay, my recovery wasn’t great by any means. But eventually, I was able to reframe it, and it all worked out in my favor. I was the guy getting unprecedented levels of compliance from a girl who’s used to men, including TV stars, supplicating to her and spending loads of cash and exerting tons of effort. (Note: If you don’t know why compliance is so crucial and don’t understand the value-compliance connection, then read up on Sebastian Drake and Vin DiCarlo’s classic articles on these subjects.)

For instance, she had never purchased a present for a man ever, except her dad. Meanwhile, she was treating me to stuff and putting in all kinds of effort, doing things she had never done for another man before. She verbalized this to me later on.

All this was because I was able to hold my frame that she was trying to impress me and that I am a 10, regardless of material possessions, which are actually irrelevant if your frame is strong. If your frame is strong and you have your fundamentals handled, girls will gladly give up beachside mansions, first-class flights, and chauffered Bentleys just to ride on the back of a bike with YOU.

In conclusion, the social value of a girl can be determined solely by you. If your frame is strong, it really doesn’t matter what other people think her value is, nor does it even matter what she thinks her value is.

Granted, most people will not have the mental and emotional strength or the “inner game” necessary to bend a girl who thinks, along with everyone else in the club, that she’s a 10.

So work on it. Visualizations and affirmations are crucial, as are positive experiences in–field. I’m sure hypnosis would help, though I haven’t tried this route myself.

If you truly believe that you are a 10, and you really do have high standards, then what everyone else thinks is a 10 may really only be a 7 to you. And if your frame is strong, then everyone else, including the girl herself, will begin to view and treat her as a 7 instead of a 10.

Then again, a girl that you judge to be a 10 may seem to your wings and even to herself to be only a 7. And that’s fine, too, as long as you realize that your estimation of her is higher than most people’s. If you sincerely think she’s a 10 and that everyone else is just blind to her “real” value, then you should hold to your evaluation and be internally referenced here. If you do this right, the 7 will totally fall in love with you for seeing the 10 inside her.

So in the end, if your inner game is tight, the only opinion that truly matters is your own.

2. The EXTERIOR Level

There are many ways that this kind of frame control can play out. I will describe one method that I’ve developed to aid me in maintaining my frame with certain types of girls that I value more highly than most.

I call it Challenge Screening.

I’ve used it to good effect on models, actresses, dancers, stewardesses, musicians, visual artists, and other professionals.

While I’ve now learned this technique well enough that it comes naturally and relatively effortlessly, at the beginning, I had to apply a lot of mental focus to trick my mind into throwing off the limiting beliefs that came from being externally referenced.

Basically, Challenge Screening is different from screening and qualifying in that it’s a more intense application of profession-specific screening delivered in a more serious, matter-of-fact tone. The qualification (reward) is reserved until her bitch shield drops.

You should apply Challenge Screening when you feel intimidated by a girl’s social standing and feel that it is making her arrogant or snobby and hence, that it is at the foundation of the bitch shield she is putting up between you and her.

A key component here is your sub-communication, which is hard to describe in words. If you really don’t believe in your frame, then it won’t matter what you say. She’ll see right through you. That’s why the inner game is so crucial. But I’ll assume that you’re well on your way to handling the mindset and beliefs aspect of it.

This technique is ideal if you’re intimidated by girls of a certain type, for example, models, actresses, go-go dancers, strippers, or whatever.

It requires that you know something about the industry that intimidates or impresses you.

Think for a moment about an industry or field that you know a lot about. For me, that’s jazz. A lot of people think they know something about jazz. But my experience is that the vast majority of them really have no clue what they’re talking about, and I can find this out just by asking a few simple questions. When I find the rare jazz aficionado who does know what he’s talking about, I get quite excited and become much more invested in the conversation. This is the dynamic you’re after.

A girl says she’s a model. Your reality is: Well, you’ve dated models. You’ve had models as your best friends. You know the industry. So you’re going to see how much of a model she really is, if she knows what she’s talking about, and if she’s worth your time. That’s the frame.

Keep in mind that if your frame and inner game are strong, you won’t have to consciously employ this technique. It’ll just come naturally as a result of your high standards and social calibration.

The best way to illustrate this is to give you a taste of dialogue.

Here’s Challenge Screening applied to a fashion model.

About a minute into the interaction, HBModel says in a snobby tone: “I’m a model,” expecting you to be intimidated.

Some guys, especially back in the heydey of Mystery Method, might have said, “Oh, really? A hand model?” But the correct frame here is that she is trying to impress you. So that neg would take the interaction backwards, punishing her for her good behavior (trying to impress you). Instead, you should reward the “IOI” with further interest.

Me: “Yeah, you’ve got a great look (said casually, but with genuine appreciation). My ex-girlfriend worked with Elite in Hong Kong (again said casually). Do you do mostly print or runway?”

HB (looking shocked that you’re not worshiping her yet): “I do a bit of both… (pause; hold the tension)… but mainly print these days.”

Me (nodding with approval): “Hmm… photographic is very competitive these days.”

HB (smiling): “Yeah, I just finished an all day shoot. I’ve been on my feet the whole day.”

Me (smiling back): “You need a drink girl! Cheers to that!”

At this point, Challenge Screening is over. The model has let her guard down. You’ve shown competence over her world and shown that you are not intimidated in the least by her occupation or beauty. In fact, you are in a position to evaluate and approve of her. She sees you as the dominant person in the interaction. You can proceed as normal.

What if she continues the bitch shield? Then, continue with Challenge Screening.

I will give you an extreme example. This only happened to me once. I use this to demonstrate how far you can take it.

This happened with a drop dead gorgeous, very tall, tanned, and toned Chinese model with perfect curves, dreamy almond eyes, and sporting black, skin-tight spandex tights and a thin, tight black sweater showing off her perky 34 Cs.
It started the same:
About a minute into the interaction, HBModel says in a snobby tone: “I’m a model.”

Me: “Yeah, you’ve got a great look (said casually, but with genuine appreciation). My ex-girlfriend worked with Elite in Hong Kong (again said casually). Do you do mostly print or runway?”

HB (looking shocked that you’re not worshiping her yet): “I do both… I just did a shoot today.”

Me (nodding with approval): “Hmm… photographic is very competitive these days.”

Here’s where it differed:
HB nods, but doesn’t say anything. She looks a little bored.

Me: “Are you exclusive or freelance?”

HB (looking a little surprised that I asked this): “Uh, I’m with [well-known international agency].”

Me: “Do you do much testing?”

HB: “Uh, no not much any more.”

Me: “Good for you. So you must have done some editorial then.”

HB (starting to turn to face me more): “Yes, I just did one last week for [some foreign fashion magazine that I forget now].”

Me: “Nice. Those are really prestigious.”

HB: “Thanks.” Then silence, but she kept looking at me.

Me: “How many go-sees are you getting in an average week?”

HB: “Go-sees? A lot lately. Usually, about two or three.”

Me (light reward kino on the arm): “Nice. Your agency booker must really like you.”

HB (turning completely to me and smiling): “Thanks.”

Me: “Are you thinking about moving into acting?”

HB: “OMG, how did you know? I had a part in that Feng Xiaogang movie (big name Chinese director), [name of a fairly recent movie]! We were on location for months! Here, look at these pictures.” She then took out her camera and started to show me amazing shots of a remote region of western China.

Challenge Screening over.

I got this question train from Leil Lowndes’s How to Talk to Anyone About Anything. An awesome book I highly recommend.

To make it easier for you to see what I was doing, here’s the bare bones question train for models. I use this as kind of a cheat sheet.

Fashion Models
“Yes, you have a great look.”
1. Do you do mostly print or runway?
a. Print→Photographic or print is very competitive.
b. Runway→It takes talent to twirl on runways.
c. Showroom→”What are your special tricks for staying cheerful during long hours showing clothes to buyers?”

2. Are you exclusive or freelance?
a. Exclusive→”Which agency are you signed with?”

3. Do you do much testing?
a. For wannabes and newer models

4. Have you done any editorial?
a. Editorial→Most prestigious fashion shoots
b. Catalog or advertising→What pays the bills

5. How many go-sees/look-sees/castings do you have in an average week?
a. Low→Express admiration that she doesn’t have to go running around to get work.
b. High→Express admiration that her agency booker must really like her.

6. Do you plan to move into acting?

7. Do you have your head shot or composite with you?
a. “Nice commercial shot, but it doesn’t capture your tremendous presence.”

Now obviously, you shouldn’t just shoot these questions out one after the other. Weave them into the conversation in a natural way. Ask the first question, listen to her response, and respond to that. Don’t just ask the next question in a mechanical manner. Only if she gives you silence or a one-word answer should you jump directly into the next question. You want to avoid sounding like an interviewer or setting off a confrontational vibe. This is you screening her to see if she’s really “all that.”

Remember that this is just what it looks like from the outside. You don’t have to use the exact questions. If your frame is right, and you know something about the industry, you’ll come up with the right questions naturally. These questions are just suggestions to get you started.

If you use these questions, you will very likely not have to go past question three. Just showing a little dominance over their “world” is enough.

It’s also good to mention a personal connection. I like to mention that my ex-girlfriend was with Elite in Hong Kong, or that my current girlfriend is a fashion model, or that I’ve sworn off dating models.

Another favorite industry of mine has become stewardesses or “flight attendants” (the PC term).

My personal connections are a couple of ex-lovers of mine. I might even show her photos of my ex-lovers in their Singapore Airlines uniforms. That always get nods of approval.

Here is my cheat sheet for the bare bones question train for stewardesses.

Flight Attendants
1. Who do you fly for?
2. Do you fly international or domestic?
3. What’s your favorite layover?
4. Do you bid for routes?
a. Are you senior enough to get the routes you want?
5. What kind of travel privileges do you get?

I usually don’t go past question three. I got these from Lowndes’s book as well.

Here are a couple more of my cheat sheets.

Musicians
1. What instrument do you play?
2. Are you working on anything now?
3. Do you do any studio work? Do you play in clubs?
4. Are you gigging now? Do you have a steady gig?
5. Do you prefer playing live or in the studio?
6. Are you signed to a recording contract?
a. How did your record chart? How many units did it do?
7. Do you think a recording artist can do better on a major label or an indie?
8. What artist influenced you when you were starting out?
9. Who are the outstanding makers of your instruments?
10. In what direction are you taking your music now?

Dancers
1. What kind of dancing do you do?
2. Are you performing now?
3. Are you in a company?
4. When is your season?
5. What are you performing this season?
6. Have had you had the opportunity to do any work as a soloist or a principal?
7. Do you get most of your work through auditions or recommendations?

If you know Lowndes’s book, you’ll recognize my debts.

I’m a bit of a musician myself, so I can go into a lot more depth for musicians depending on the genre of music they do. For dancers, I usually don’t get past question three.

The whole point of Challenge Screening is to help you assert your frame. This is most obvious with models and actresses, but I have met recording artists and high-level professional dancers who think they’re all the shit, too.

Remember that this is only for girls who think their social value is much higher than yours and hence, try to use their occupation (pop star or famous dancer) as a bitch shield to intimidate you. You just need to show you’re not intimidated and that you can connect with her and show dominance over this part of her world as well.

I’m giving out my cheat sheets here, so you better appreciate it I’m keeping my cheat sheet for actresses to myself, as that’s proven especially productive for me

I encourage you to develop your own cheat sheets for whatever field or industry you’re interested in.

Ideally, you will not need to memorize or consciously apply any techniques. If your frame is strong, then other people will be sucked into your reality and will naturally adopt your value hierarchies. That’s ultimately what you’re aiming for. Techniques like Challenge Screening are simply provisional tools to help you in the process of achieving that stage.

Feedback appreciated ☺

The next installment in this series will be on how Reality is Subjective and why this is important.

Happy playin’, The Asian Rake.

Why I hate the word, ‘Sarging,’ and How “The Game” F-cked Us Up

May 22, 2008

I had the pleasure of hanging out with Natural-MD and Wing-S this weekend. I haven’t hung with them in a while because they live on the other side of town and have been busy with relatives and other visitors on the weekends. And now Natural-MD actually has a real girlfriend, you know, the ‘exclusive’ kind.

We had some drinks, played pool, and flirted with a few girls as we went about having fun. I was reminded of the pure pleasure of going out and spending time with guys just for the sake of it… And how it got me my first six out of seven girls when I returned to Beijing last September.

Natural-MD pulled out his usual arsenal of gay jokes, telling me repeatedly that my ass is too loose from the last time he and his friends pulverized it and reminding me that he was built like a horse while mine was well, too small for much good. LOL.

A lesser man might be offended. But this was all about getting out of your fucking head and stopping that voice in your mind that questions and challenges everything and that ego that always wants the “truth.”

This is real AMOGing. Haha. Only real men can take it.

God, how many burly British rubgy jocks and oversized American footballers have I taken out and completely eliminated through the gay jokes I learned from Natural-MD! I also heard Stephane talk about this on his David D interview. I should give this tech a name: Gay-AMOGing! LOL. Awesome.

The thing with Natural-MD and most other naturals is that a lot of them can’t take their own shit thrown back at them. So I dialed it down because I wanted Natural-MD in the right mood. I wanted him bull-shitting and ‘in the zone.’ He’s unstoppable when he hits that sweet spot. No, not that spot. lol.

We’re just shooting the shit. We’re loud, dominant, out of our heads, fucking with each other (lol), and most importantly HAVING FUN.

Is this ’sarging’? I don’t know. But it gets me a whole lot more hot women than going out with guys who are ’sarging.’

I can often pick out these ’sargers’ before I even meet them. Their eyes dart too and fro, looking for their next target. They look restless, as if they feel like they should be doing something more productive than having fun. They want to “get to work.” They suck energy from the room. You get the feeling when they talk to you that they want something from you, desperately. They take value from you, even when they’re smiling. You get the feeling they’re using you for something rather than just enjoying the moment. Of course, the more they do this, the worse it gets. They go spiraling down. I try not to get caught in their backwash.

The true masters, like Sebastian Drake, Tyler Durden (Owen), and many other community gurus have been preaching this for years, yet it’s as quickly forgotten by most community guys as that last drunk girl’s name.

The first and foremost thing you should do when you’re “out to meet girls” is: HAVE FUN. Read my post on Being Unselfconscious for more on this.

Many ‘community’ guys and lair members contact and try to meet up with me to go ’sarging,’ as they call it in their emails and phone calls. I have nothing against them personally. I’m an active, contributing member of the local lairs, and I fully support helping guys grow in their quest to become better with women.

However, an immediate red flag and complete turn-off is when guys try to gain rapport with me by using PUA terms like ‘negs,’ AA (approach anxiety, not alcoholics anonymous, though the second kind of AA might help you with the first, lol), A2, DHV, and worst of all, ’sarging.’ I heard this was first used by Ross Jeffries in connection with his cat or something similarly creepy

[EDIT: Notice that I am criticizing the word or term, 'sarging.' I'm not criticizing the actual activity of meeting and attracting women, which some guys annoyingly refer to by this creepy RJ term, 'sarging.' See my next post for more clarification.]

When you call the activity of going out to meet girls ’sarging,’ you set it apart from what you do in the rest of your life. Rather than thinking about meeting and attracting girls as just a part of their everyday lives and an expression of their natural and ideal personalities, they instead isolate it to some clearly demarcated and now anxiety-ridden time and place.

Stop acting as if chatting up that cute girl in the bar is something special or out of the norm. You’re just being social!

Realize that you are a MAN who goes after what he wants. If you are a man like that, then you will naturally approach that breathtakingly beautiful girl across the room and tell her that you saw her standing there and that you just had to meet her, and then you stand back and wait to see if she meets the rest of your standards.

A lot of what was taught in the earlier days of the community, the period featured by Neil Strauss in his The Game, was created to protect fragile egos. And instead of fixing the ego problem, guys try to go Neil’s route, which was the much more difficult and arduous one, and they get on the four-year gravy train through hell and back.

They do it the hard way, rather than take the first-class seat on the express flight. Wayne Elise (aka., Juggler) hints at this at the end of his chapter when he writes, “I wanted to tell him that the answer he was seeking lay elsewhere.”

Stop trying to protect your ego. Grow up. Don’t hide behind the term, ’sarging,’ or pretend it’s just an arcade game.

Instead, go out and HAVE FUN. And while you’ve got that big, crazy smile on your face from laughing at the hysterically funny thing your friend just said, turn to that cute girl next to you and say, “How’s your girl’s night out going?”

Now don’t get me wrong. Neil’s book is a phenomenal read. I was entirely riveted by it. It inspired me to improve myself in that area of my life. I learned a lot about the personalities of Tom Cruise, himself, Mystery, Ross Jeffries, Tyler Durden (for better or for worse), and many other heroes in the community at the time. And I absolutely love Neil’s sense of fashion and ’style.’ I think he is as good of a pickup artist as his admirers think he is. But there are a few aspects of the book that had a really deleterious effect on the next generation in the community.

One of these is that The Game glorifies going out to meet women apart from having fun with friends. It’s like he and Mystery are ‘clocking in’ each time they enter a club. It’s like work for them. They don’t make it sound fun at all. They go out, armed with their weapons and club kit, ready to do war. He makes it sound like some kind of milestone when he ditches his normal friends in order to clock in time at the club. Granted, I’ve written myself about avoiding people who are negative influences in your life.

But finding positive influences and true friends who are happy to contribute to your self-development and to meeting your goals is something you should be doing regardless of whether you want to get better with women. That’s the right message.

The wrong message is that going out to meet women, or worse, ’sarging,’ is something special that you are doing.

Not ’sarging.’ No, not ’sarging.’ Don’t ever use that word around me.

As my good friend Sebastian likes to drill into people:

1. Have fun!

2. Make other people have fun.

3. And then see if that hot girl really meets your standards.

Happy playin’, The Asian Rake.

Is it Easier or Tougher for Foreign Guys in Asia?

April 10, 2008

This is going to be a fun and possibly controversial post

But before we get to that, I’ve got two quick plugs to make. Remember to check out The Truth About College Game, which is a must-read for any guy still in college.

Also, check out this great blog that regularly explores and invites different perspectives on controversial topics and offers a balanced perspective of their own.

Now, let’s get to it.

Ask the Rake Mailbag time!

I’ve gotten many emails that ask me whether the rumors are really true about how easy Asian girls in Asia are. Here’s one from Max.

“…My friend went to China and said it was SOOO easy approaching there in the club. He said the girls had already chosen him and were attracted to him immediately upon seeing him. All he had to do was say hi and the girls were all over him. I also read somewhere on the internet, ‘Chinese girls are easy.’ So when I moved to China, I was really pumped.

“But I have been here for months, and I can say that they are not easy at all. Back in the UK, I dated lots of girls, and was able to have sex with them after one or two dates. Here in China, getting phone numbers is easy. But I cannot hardly get them to meet up. Or when we do go out on dates, all they want to do is sit and practice English. I haven’t even had one kiss-close after twenty dates with ten different women. Maybe I’ve been approaching the wrong women. I need your advice…”

I also just read a very similar post on the China lair.

Well, Max and all you other foreign guys in Asia wondering why it’s so much harder than you thought, here’s my take on this.

Let’s get the necessary preamble out of the way first.

For those of you aren’t up on the lingo yet, ABC (American-Born Chinese) means an American citizen of Chinese descent who grew up in America. CBC means a Canadian citizen of Chinese descent who grew up in Canada. You can guess what BBC means. I’m not a CBC, but I am a CRC (Canadian-Raised Chinese).

FOB (Fresh Off the Boat) refers to someone who just recently arrived in the host country and who has not adjusted or is still adjusting to the culture and language of the new country. Ironically, the vasty majority of Westerners in China are still FOBs, though most Westerners give me a puzzled expression when I call them FOBs, just as the old Chinese FOBs get offended when I refer to them as “waiguoren” (foreigners) while they’re in Canada. Ha! All good, geeky fun

In this post, I talk mainly about what it’s like for foreign guys in China, though I’m confident in claiming that much of what I say also applies to Taiwan and Hong Kong and to a lesser extent in Singapore. Also, while my recent experiences have been mainly with women in China, I have had extensive experience with Korean girls and some experience with Japanese women. My ex-wife was Korean-Canadian from a very conservative Korean family. Four of my long-term relationships have been with Korean girls, from international student FOBs to the most Americanized of Korean-Americans. I’ve also had a few short-term flings with Korean FOBs. And armed with years of (otherwise unused) formal training in Japanese studies and language, I’ve had a handful of Japanese FOBs, though I’ve never had a long-term relationship with one. This being said, while some of what I say here applies also to Korean and Japanese women, my post is meant to speak first and foremost to the situation in China, which is unique among the East Asian countries in its socio-economic-political environment.

For ease of discussion, “foreigners” here means primarily citizens from developed Western countries, including but not limited to the US, Canada, the UK, Australia, and Western Europe. I divide “foreigners” into “white” and “Asian.” “White” means, well, Caucasian, for lack of a better term. I trust everyone knows what I mean. “Asian” here stands for East Asia and Singapore (a clarification that is too rarely made). I use “Asian foreigner” to mean someone who is or looks East Asian and is a citizen of a Western country, including the above-mentioned Western countries. I do not claim to speak for citizens of other East Asian countries, though to a lesser extent, simply being from a developed country, such as Korea, Japan, or Singapore, brings similar advantages.

If you are a foreigner in China, you have the following advantages when trying to meet women:

1. You are exotic. You have been to places and have lived lifestyles that most Chinese only see in movies. You also bring fresh perspectives and ways of thinking and reasoning. This could also work against you, but generally speaking, it is your greatest strength. While it is relatively easy now for a Chinese citizen to obtain a tourist visa to visit most foreign countries, most Chinese have to save up a long time to be able to afford a trip to a Western country. East Asia and Southeast Asia are much easier to reach, so if you’re from one of those countries, your “exotic” factor is lower.

2. You are of above-average economic means, implying that you can introduce them to a lifestyle that is outside their means. The GDP of developed countries is much higher than that of China. The Chinese know this. Automatically, they assume you’re used to a higher standard of living. It also costs a lot to travel here. You could undercut their positive presumption by using the word “student” (even if you preface “student” with Ph.D., it still takes extra effort to explain that not all students are poor) to describe yourself, as in “international student,” “exchange student,” “student studying Chinese.” If you’re a student, or an English teacher (to a lesser extent, the stigma applies to “teachers” too), I suggest you find another way to answer the “What are you doing in China?” question. Don’t lie. Just tell them some other facet of your personality or interests, e.g., “I’m a snowboarder from Canada and am checking out the snowboarding scene in Beijing… Oh yeah, I live near Beijing University and take some courses during the day.”

3. You are traveled. Simply by virtue of the fact that you’ve traveled a long way from home to come to China implies that you travel. Moreover, the presumption will be that you travel often. Even if this is your first-ever trip out of your home country, people will assume that you travel often.

4. You are adventurous. Most Chinese consider a trip to a Western country halfway across the world (Australia, though closer, is often put in this category) as a big adventure. The fact that you’ve come to a country on the other side of the planet whose culture is about as different from your own as it can get implies that you are adventurous. Again, this is a positive presumption.

5. You are open-minded and socially liberal. This can also work against you, as I will explain later. But in general, this helps with getting women into bed with you fast for guilt-free sex. Since most Chinese form their first, and sometimes only, opinions about Western culture from Hollywood and MTV, they assume that all Westerners, including Western women, have lots of casual sex with anyone they feel like. They assume you and your friends regularly have one-night stands and fuckbuddies.

This results in the extremes of social behavior you see in China. At the extreme are the girls who worship all things Western and want to become what they perceive as Western, including adopting a liberal “Hollywood and MTV” attitude to sex, and they pretty much fuck a new guy every week, partly just because they think that’s what Westerners do. My advice: Stay away from these chicks; they’re psycho! Think “MTV’s The Real World,” which strangely enough, they get on TV here in China. Imagine a girl who thinks “The Real World” depicts the normal life of a 20-something Westerner! This can really work against you when a girl is looking for an LTR or a husband, but it’s a positive presumption when you’re gaming for quick lays. As everyone in the community knows, it’s much easier to go from lover to provider than the other way around, so I consider this a definite advantage.

Beyond these five, there are two prominent and pernicious assumptions of value that I’ve heard floating about and that are both false:

i. Westerners have desirable passports. This sentence in itself is true, just as the following is true: Canadians have a superior passport, travel-wise, than Americans Had to get that in there, haha. But gone are the days when you could get a really beautiful Chinese woman in a major city by tempting her with marriage and a green card. The passport-tempting trick can work in the smaller cities and towns, but not with the most beautiful women in Beijing, Shanghai, or Guangzhou. Many of the Chinese women I’ve had in Beijing make more than US$50,000 a year. A few of them were US$ millionaires or married to one.

Considering the lifestyle US$50K could get you in Beijing versus in LA or NYC, why on Earth would a Chinese person want to move to a foreign country where the cost of living is far more expensive, the food tastes awful (most Chinese think Westerners eat pizza, KFC, burgers, or steak every day), the crime rates are astronomically higher (okay, this only applies to the US, haha), the culture is completely different, the language is foreign, and you are as far away from family and friends as you can get? Yes, times are different now. China changes fast.

Moreover, the most beautiful women in the big cities have a myriad of options for advancing up the socio-economic ladder, including getting a rich Chinese boyfriend or orbiter, so that they do not need to marry a Westerner just to improve their standard of living. There are plenty of young, rich Chinese guys who are more than willing to finance their lifestyles. The biggest clubs in Beijing and Shanghai are full of them. They book 99% of the tables in the big clubs like Babyface. These guys (and the rare Europeans who have game) are my current competition. This is another topic entirely.

ii. White guys have bigger dicks. I’ve read studies that say there is a 0.1-0.2 inch variation in the average erect penis sizes of white, black, Latino, and Asian men. The variation is much higher between individuals regardless of race than between whole races. Its hardly worth bragging about. Among the small minority of Western-worshiping girls, this myth is certainly an advantage. Just as with any niche value, like girls who go absolutely crazy over goth guys who wear spiked boots and have lip-piercings, there will be some small subset of girls who will do anything for a white dick. But the curiosity of most Chinese girls is more than satiated by simply seeing a white penis on a porno website. In fact, this misconception can really work against you as many Chinese girls, especially the ones in the adult industry here, don’t want a guy who is too long because they think it will hurt (in a bad way). In any case, this myth is mainly perpetrated by white men and is almost entirely absent from Chinese popular culture. Obviously, this only applies to white foreigners.

Despite i. and ii., foreigners still have 1.-5. working for them. They are assumed to be exotic, above-average earners, well traveled, adventurous, and open-minded.

On this alone, foreigners can attract with relative ease the average Chinese girl in a big city. The average girl is, by definition, an HB5. I mean by “relative” in comparison to their ease in attracting an HB5 in their home country. For examples of what I mean by an HB5 or less, I use my second favorite medium on the blog, photos, which I’ve taken from Stylites, a cool fashion blog by a Westerner in Beijing. Here are examples of fashionably dressed HB5s or less (keeping in mind that their fashionable dress may bump them up a rating or two for some guys and keeping in mind that the rating is based purely on first impressions formed on the basis of their physical appearances):
The one on the left might be a 5.5 in my books, depending on her height, which you can’t really tell from the photo, and her other physical attributes.

However, the five advantages will generally not be enough to get high-status girls in China, such as rich girls and models. Why?

1. The high-status girls will generally have plenty of Chinese-speaking Western friends and acquaintances. As one girl put it to me, “Foreigners are everywhere now. Being foreign is not so special in Beijing.” You are not all that exotic to them.

2. The high-status girls usually make as much or more than you do, or they have orbiters or boyfriends who do. That’s part of being high-status. Almost half of the past 20 girls I’ve had in China have made over US$30K and some of them were millionaires. Some of them owned mid-sized Benzes. Many of them had guy friends or orbiters who made six to seven figure US$ salaries. Since you probably cannot introduce them to a lifestyle outside their own means or reach, your simply being an above-average earner will not attract them.

3. Many of these girls have traveled extensively for work and even for leisure. I dated a 24 year old executive of a French company who spoke passable English and French and who flew to Europe once a month for work. She also spent a month each year backpacking through Europe. Her social circle was full of French people. I met her in a jazz club while she was with four French guys. She had also vacationed in Thailand and Australia. She was certainly as well-traveled as I, or even more so.

4. Some of these girls have sky-dived, scuba-dived, bungee-jumped, backpacked through the some of the highest mountain ranges in the world, and have the photos to prove it. Or, more commonly, they have Chinese or Western guy friends who have done so and who are constantly inviting them along (and offering to foot the bill) to join in these adventurous activities. So it’s going to be a lot harder to stand out as Mr. Adventurous Guy in their social circles.

5. The high-status social circles in China are often more liberal (”kaifang”) than the average Western party people. Think the wildest frat and sorority scenes. It is common for guys in this scene to be sleeping around, partying four nights a week, and doing blow. The girls in these circles are inured to this whole thing. So being a guy who is open-minded, while still a good trait overall, will not help you stand out very much in these circles.

So the five advantages of the foreign male in China are neutralized when it comes to the most desirable women. I have in mind girls that look like the three girls in my sidebar. Or, you can look at the following. These girls are 8-9s to me, based solely on looks. These are all Chinese girls who are either living or have lived in China:

If neither the girls in my sidebar nor these three girls do it for you, I’m happy to say we have a distinct difference in taste, and what I say in the rest of this post probably doesn’t apply to you.

To get a high-status girl (note: high-status is not necessarily the same thing as high-value or high-quality) in China, you’ve got to bring more to the table. This is where being a high-quality guy and having “game” makes a big difference.

The problem is, when playing at the higher levels, foreign guys also have to overcome the following negative biases.

A. Your Western culture is too liberal, too foreign. The Chinese are fiercely proud of their three thousand year-old culture, as many an old Chinese man will remind you. This is where advantages #1 and #5 can work against you. You want to seem exotic, but not too exotic. You want to seem open-minded, but not too open-minded. To do this, you should show some knowledge and a keen interest in Chinese culture. This is related to the next point.

B. You Westerners are unadjusted to Chinese culture. This can be a major problem. Basically, you are still stuck in culture shock. You should want to try new Chinese foods, experience new aspects of Chinese culture, visit new places in China. This will go a long way to alleviating any suspicions about your excessive foreignness. A highly desirable Chinese woman would rather get the socio-economic benefits from a rich, young, hot Chinese guy rather than have to deal with “the foreigner.”

C. You Westerners have a superiority complex. This is a major sticking point because on the one hand, you do have distinct advantages. You’re traveled, above-average economically, and probably more educated. On the other hand, you can’t let them think that you think of yourself as superior because of these points.

Moreover, I’ve seen too many Westerners openly complain about China all the time to the Chinese people, including to their Chinese dates. Granted, there are plenty of things to complain about—the pollution, the traffic, the spitting, poor service in the average restaurant, the high degree of graft and bureaucratic red tape. But don’t you think the hot Chinese girl you’re talking to hates the same things about her own country? You don’t need to vent in front of her.

You also don’t need to rub it in her face that you find things here so cheap. “OMG, this is only five US dollars! Quit bargaining with the vendor!” This is actually a major Verbalization of Lower Value (VLV). She is well aware of the higher cost of living in the West; you don’t need to remind her. Besides, if you frequent the higher social echelons where the hottest girls are, you’ll quickly realize why Beijing and Shanghai are rated among the twenty most expensive places to live in the world and are close to New York City in cost of living for expats.

D. White men are excessively hairy. Little to moderate body hair is good. It’s better than no body hair at all, as is the case with a small minority of Chinese men. But thick mounds of hair on the back tend to freak out most Chinese women. Wax that shit off.

E. White men have noxious body odor and sweat profusely. This is probably related to D. I get asked all the time how I can possibly breathe in the locker rooms back in America. I find this one pretty funny, especially since it’s usually the locals whose garlic-infused body odors make me almost faint on the buses and subways.

F. And obviously, the biggest impediment of all: If you cannot speak Chinese or any language that she speaks, then you will have an extremely difficult time getting anywhere with her, especially if she is high-status. Many of the hottest Chinese girls speak little or no English. This is because they don’t have to. They have everything handed to them on a silver platter. On the rare occasion, you may get lucky with just that kind of girl who is in just the right mood and at just that time in her life when she is looking to have anonymous sex with someone she knows nothing about, and you are very good at pumping buying temperature through sexy dancing and the like. I have seen this work effectively on the average Chinese cutie, especially the type who has had few foreign friends. But with the hottest Chinese girls, this is a little like playing the lottery. Someone’s going to win, but it’s probably not you

Foreigners of Chinese (and East Asian) descent, especially ABCs and CBCs, obviously do not have to deal with D or E and depending on how acculturated they are to Chinese culture, A-C and F may also not be an issue. This is mainly why ABCs and CBCs can have the best of both worlds in China.

Overall, I think that advantages #1-5 outweigh disadvantages A-E, though not F, so that in the final balance, foreigners who have their shit together and know some Chinese have a little edge over their local counterparts, especially in getting the average Chinese girl. Still, getting the most desirable women in China is just as tough as back home. So get your life together and hone those social skills. Oh yeah, and learn Chinese ☺

Now onto a rockin’ weekend!

Happy playin’, The Asian Rake.

Transparency and Purpose as Cornerstones of Direct Game

March 3, 2008

I’ve been battling a cold. I kept walking around my place in Toronto as if I were still in Singapore, wearing just shorts and a t-shirt. From this and the interminable jet-lag, after a couple of days, I caught a cold and haven’t been able to shake it yet. The worst part is that I’ve got some very important work meetings in Boston in the next few days.

In the meantime, I want to talk about why someone using direct game can suck one week and then be super playboy the next. I don’t always go direct. But I find it the most efficient and the most fun! When you go in direct with genuine interest, you are putting it all on the line. You are transparent. Your intentions are clear to you, to her, to the world. There are techniques here, but those are minor compared to the major factor of having a clear intent.

I’ve found that I am most effective when I’m happy with where I am in life. For a long while, I had goals of reaching a certain body fat percentage and muscle mass, recovering and improving on my old facility with the saxophones, having a kickass bachelor pad, and attaining a certain fluency in Chinese. By late October last year, I had reached these goals or was well on my way (except for the music one; the excessive travel kept preventing that). I was content with where I was career-wise, too. So when I looked at a beautiful, high-status, high-value woman straight in the eyes, I could do so with confidence, putting my real self out there 100%.

There was a point in my life when I wasn’t able to do this. Looking back, I can see that it had a lot to do with the fact that I hadn’t made any progress on my goals in fitness, music, living standards, or linguistic facility, and I wasn’t proud of my job or my career path.

Similarly, I know a lot of guys who aren’t proud of where they are in life. They aren’t doing what they really want to do with their lives. They have dreams, but they aren’t taking any steps to achieve them. Sure, you can have lots of success doing direct game while being a janitor, but major successes will only come if you are proud of being a janitor or are happy spending your days as a janitor. Most guys wouldn’t. And that’s why most guys just can’t pull off direct game successfully. People can smell your discontentment. High-quality women and men can sense that you’ve compromised in life.

On a deeper level, it’s about purpose. See David Deida’s many chapters on this. I’m not talking just about your career goals or how much money you want to make. Your purpose could be to improve living conditions in Africa or to clean up the environment or to find homes for all the stray puppies in New York City. Your purpose can also change drastically every few years. The important thing is that you have a purpose that you are passionate about and that the purpose has nothing to do with pleasing women.

Here’s something that a few of my new clients need to hear: “Stop thinking about pickup! You’ve been doing it for years and going nowhere. Get your life handled first. Get a job you’re proud of. Make that career change you keep agonizing over. You have all these dreams you keep talking about. Start living them now. You’ve been meaning for years to get in shape, to learn to play the guitar, to learn how to scuba-dive, to learn how to ski or play golf. Now get off your ass and go to the gym, buy a guitar and learn how to play it, go scuba-diving, rock-climbing, skiing, and golfing. Do it. Now. Live in such a way that you can be proud of yourself. Then, when you’re comfortably progressing toward those goals, go approach that beautiful woman and look her straight in the eye and say with a serious expression, ‘Hi. I saw you standing here, and I just wanted to tell you, I think you are … (smile)… beautiful. My name’s [---]. Who are you?’”

Happy playin’, The Asian Rake.

The Natural’s Biggest Secret

January 29, 2008

I’m going back to Singapore in just one more week! Woowee! I just got back to Canada, but will be heading out to the US in a couple of days before returning to Canada and then flying out to Singapore.

Here’s something I’ve been wanting to write about for a long time. It’s a lesson that I first learned from hanging out with Natural-MD, a major star of my LR on the 25-minute club pull and LR on the Asian Dancer, as well as other naturals and guys who are really good with women.

There are many things naturals have in common. Some of the most important include an unwavering belief that all the girls are into him, that beautiful women are not scarce but abundant, and that he doesn’t give a sh-t what any woman thinks of him.

But the most powerful factor is that he is the source of his own fun and amusement. Put in other (NLP) words, he is constantly “in state.” You’ve probably heard this already from guys like Tyler Durden. But I’ve not only witnessed this first-hand in Natural-MD and other naturals, but have experienced it on a consistent basis myself. When a man, whether a natural or not, is in state, it is as if he can do no wrong.

Caveat: What I write next may offend some readers. If you are a politically-correct community guy, stop reading now.

Natural-MD’s favorite opener is to put his arms around his wing and say to a girl walking by (in a strong Borat-style accent), “This is my friend… and he is gay!” Then this starts a hilarious banter between Natural-MD and his wing (sometimes me, but more often Wing-S, haha) about who’s more gay and what they want to do to each other. The clever response is to then turn to the girl and say, “Yes, I love to do my friend up the ass, but for you, my beautiful maiden, I’m willing to change. Look at you. You’re so gorgeous I can’t resist you. Come here,” as you then grab her around the waist and pull her in to smell her neck. She pretends to be shy, but that’s just token resistance. Pretty soon, you’re making out with her. Yes, this works, believe it or not. And this is all done within the first couple minutes of meeting her.

Why will this work for the Natural and not for the vast majority of community guys? Because… he is “in state.” He doesn’t give a f–k what she thinks and is just f–king around with his bros, all in the name of fun!

Now, I certainly don’t feel comfortable throwing gay jokes around. And if I don’t feel comfortable doing it, I won’t have fun doing it. Still, I can’t help but get sucked into his reality when he does this. When he’s doing it, I have a ton of fun just watching him have fun!

For a while at first, when Natural-MD wasn’t around, I had to fall back on my tried and true method for getting myself into the “fun, in the flow” state: Light and funny conversation. Often, I will first try to use my wings for this, although I’ve found that most community guys have trouble coming up with light and fun convo in the venue. So, I then turn to the bartenders and hostesses that I know. This unfortunately always takes a while, sometimes as long as half an hour.

But then, while training individual clients, I discovered an even better method: INDUCED SILLINESS. There are all sorts of little games you can play with your wings to loosen each other up.

These games are effective because they get you outside of your head, into the moment, feeling un-selfconscious, devoid of social anxiety, and full of social freedom.

One I like to use is the Ape, Man, Girl game, which is inspired by the paper, rock, scissors game:
Pair off. Then, when the signal is given, each person strikes a pose with sound effects like an ape, man, or girl. Remember to decide what each looks like ahead of time. The ape beats the girl, man beats the ape, the girl gets the man.

One of my other favorites is a verbal game, in which one person says a noun and the other says a verb. Then one person has to make a sentence using those two words. Each person after that has to make a sentence using one of the words in the previous sentence.

But the best induced silliness game I’ve heard is from Tyler Durden. It’s simple. One guy names an animal, e.g., an orangutan, and the other guy has to do an impersonation of it. Then that guy gets to name an animal, and the other guy has to do an impersonation. Keep doing it until you’re rolling on the floor laughing and then immediately open the group next to you. F’in A!

Get out of your head. Get in the moment. Free yourself from social anxiety by becoming unselfconscious. Be in the flow. And HAVE FUN.

Once you are “in state” like that, you can basically say and do anything that you personally find to be FUN, and it’ll work. Besides, even if it doesn’t stick, you won’t even notice since you’ll be having so much FUN! And then it WILL open just because you’re having so much fun. All you’ll have to keep in mind is kino escalation and logistics.

Incidentally, this is not only the formula for getting the girl, but also for having a fun and fulfilled life.

Happy playin’, The Asian Rake.

On the Superiority of Internally-Driven Game

January 9, 2008

It’s great to be back in North America. I’d thought I’d have to brave bitter cold winds here in the northeast, but we’re going through a warm spell, which would be perfect if it weren’t for the accompanying rain. Still, it’s warmer here now than in Beijing, so I can’t complain

But God, do I miss my girls in Asia. Despite all the technology, like skype and other such programs, they really do seem so far away. I think it’s good for me, though, to take some time for myself and get centered again, away from the pernicious influences of the feminine energy Yeah, right. I don’t think I can last very long as a hermit like this. My work can be very solitary, and right now, I’m beginning the busy season.

Good thing I’ve already lined up a date for Friday… with a white singer babe I know, I know, AR, what happened? How could you go back to white girls?! Well, I haven’t had much time to go scouting for hot Asian chicks, who, I must say, are not nearly as abundant here as I remembered. So I made an exception. Besides, it’s nice to switch things up every once in a while. Note, for those without a sense of humor: This is completely tongue-in-cheek; I love girls of all skin colors

I’m also currently considering writing some more lay reports. Those LRs on my sidebar look lonely. Still, after a while, they get repetitive since the keys to the lay are always the same–the fundamentals. But they do make for good stories, so maybe I’ll report on the inconsequential but entertaining bits. I’m also trying to get away from reporting details about the girls I’m with, as I don’t feel entirely comfortable introducing the girls to guys who already know the details on how I laid them. It’s more of a respect thing. I simply don’t kiss and tell… er, unless there is a highly educational benefit to doing so. Feel free to let me know if you’d like to see more LRs.

Now on to the good stuff.

When I want to make changes to my game, the most effective strategy for me is to get at the root of the problem. That is, I look for the mental states, frames, beliefs that are causing the issue and correct those. And then I work myself into the desired state and only then consider what I would do in the given situation. So:

1. Identify the sticking point.
2. Identify the mental state(s) that is at the root of the problem. This is the undesirable mental state.
3. Identify why and how I got into the undesirable mental state.
4. Generate ways to avoid getting into that mental state again.
5. Identify the mental state(s) that I should be in. This is the desired mental state(s).
6. Get myself into the desired mental state(s).
7. Only then do I consider what I would do on the outside, i.e., what I would say or how I would act.
8. Figure out how I can get and keep myself in the desired mental state.

What I used to do, and what I see a lot of guys, including plenty of supposed gurus, still doing is going straight from step 1 to step 7, and skipping everything in between, as well as the last step. They think that it’s easier to fix the externals, what to say and do, than the internals, what to think and feel.

The problem is that there are hundreds of possibilities of externals that would work in any given situation. That’s just way too much to remember and process. It’s information overload. It’ll take four times as long, and probably longer, to improve that way than by paying proper attention to your mental and emotional states ( I will use “mental state” as a shorthand for “mental and emotional states”).

The other problem is that you have to be one hell of an actor (though my actress friends say that you can’t properly act out an emotional scene unless you’re feeling those emotions, or something very similar, in that moment) because your incorrect mental states will betray you and infect all your externals so that no matter what you say or do, nothing will work. Trust me. I’ve been there.

What these guys will do is to figure out that one clever line: “Oh, if I had just said that one come-back, she’d have been mine!” and then they generalize thusly: “Well, next time, I’ll say that clever come-back line.” But of course, weeks go by before they can pull out that clever line and use it to good effect. Why? Because probably that situation was unique in too many respects to generalize based solely on outer game externals.

It’s better to focus on the internal mental states simply because they really are at the root of the problem, and there are far fewer variations in mental states than in external actions and words. When you are in the right mental state, you can do or say almost anything and still be effective (NB., that’s the real secret of the true natural, but more on that in a later post).

Trying to fix a sticking point by correcting the externals and ignoring the mental states is like treating the symptoms rather than curing the disease. Get to the root of the problem.

Now what I am NOT saying is that verbal content is insignificant. There are plenty of lines, routines, games that work in diverse contexts, and when you’re too nervous or unable to get into state quickly enough, it’s good to fall back on those. Plus, there are some really great verbal techniques, like threadcutting and conversation leading, that are simple to learn and yield tremendous benefits. Also, just plain talking can get you in the right mental state, which is the case for me and is my favorite way of warming up.

Also, this assumes that you already have the fundamentally correct body language. If you don’t, first work on that. This factor probably accounts for the single biggest problem for most guys starting out. If you haven’t got the right body language, that would be your biggest sticking point. And ironically, it’s also one of the easiest things to fix. Just constant attention to it for about 6 weeks, and you’ll hardly ever have to worry about it again. Also, correcting your body language alone can often put you in the correct, desired mental state. You can, though, correct your body language by going into the desirable mental state. But correcting body language is so simple that you can do it right away.

Moreover, I am not saying that physical movement like logistics and kino escalation are unimportant. In fact, you will find that once you’ve got your internal game down pat, the only thing preventing you from hooking up most times is logistics. And sometimes, you also have to remind yourself to step up and kino escalate.

So what I AM saying is that for the vast majority of big sticking points, it’s much faster and more effective to examine the mental state(s) rather than try to tinker with the externals.

For example, one of my biggest sticking points just a year ago was my tonality. In fact, it was so bad that I wasn’t even conscious of it. Other guys would try to point it out, but I wasn’t really aware of it while it was happening. Apparently, my voice changed in a bad way whenever I tried to pick up a girl.

The cure came from Sebastian Drake, who diagnosed the problem immediately. His cure was to get me first to imagine the most beautiful place on earth I’ve ever been (which for me at the time were certain places in Bali, Indonesia) and to soak in the environment. Only then did I open my mouth to speak. And oh, the difference! My tonality became smooth, sensual, and completely relaxed and non-needy.

For a few months thereafter, I had to consciously remind myself to go into that state (what I subsequently called, the “Bali state”) wh
enever I got nervous talking to a girl. It worked like a charm. Now, I very rarely have to do so because I became unconsciously competent with this kind of tonality. When I’m with a girl of extraordinary beauty, however, I will sometimes get nervous, but all I have to do is access that mental state again by imagining I’m lying on a deserted beach in Bali, and I’m golden.

Another example is being in the mental state of not needing the girl. I can now quickly identify that sinking feeling when I’ve become dependent on a girl’s validation or approval. You know, that feeling you get when you actually care what she thinks of you. F–k, that’s one of the worst feelings in the world for me now! I know that as soon as I’m in that state, it’s just a matter of time, sometime minutes, before I’ve lost her.

So what do I do? I imagine walking away from her and never seeing her ever again and … leading a perfectly happy life without her. I see myself from behind walking away from the girl and towards a bright light and imagine my disassociated self smiling. I then feel a little bit sad (sometimes if she’s an MLTR or FB, I’ll be quite sad) that I won’t see her again, but then I sense a feeling of calm relief and contentment wash over me and the neediness goes away.

Amazingly, whenever I do this, something about my subcommunications changes. I don’t even have to do a take-away physically or verbally. I just do it mentally, and she senses it. Maybe it’s through my eye contact or something, I don’t know. Whatever it is, it’s unconscious. I don’t think about what to say or do. I’m just focusing on the mental state and the externals take care of themselves. Next thing you know, she’s trying to win my approval again. It’s like magic.

Another great example comes from having the proper “Focus” when socializing. I understand this in much the same way as theApproach. What should occupy 90%+ of your mental energy when you are out socializing boils down to three simple things:
1. Have fun.
2. Socialize and make other people have fun.
3. Make connections and see if people meet your standards.

Only 10% or less of your mental energy should be consumed by techniques, waypoints, logistics (ideally you’ll have worked out most of the logistics beforehand), and everything else.

Being in the right mental state(s) will make all the difference when you’re talking to all kinds of people, not just hot girls.

Guys have been wondering how I’ve been able to improve so fast. I think this is the key. Now, when I make improvements to my game, I think almost entirely in terms of what I should be thinking about and feeling. I go through as many of the above eight steps as possible. Before you know it, I’ve conquered another sticking point.

Happy playin’, The Asian Rake.

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