What is the one trait that men who are naturally effective with women possess? Is it their looks, fast cars, or the size of their pocketbooks?

While there is no doubt that physical attractiveness and wealth would make it easier for a man to attract women, the more important factor by far is social dominance.

Dominance is a prerequisite to acceptance, attraction, excitement, trust, comfort, rapport, arousal and compliance. In study after study, women consistently agree that physical features matter far less than personality and status.

In a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology by Professors Sadalla, Kenrick and Vershure, women consistently considered men who were portrayed as dominant, competitive, and determined to be more sexually attractive.

In a summary of some of the considerable evidence for the female preference for dominance in males, Professor Bruce Ellis of the University of Michigan suggests that a woman often chooses a mate long before he has had the chance to become a ‘chief’, so she must look for clues for his future potential.

Dominance, confidence, decisiveness, courage, ambition - these are the traits that cause men to rise to the top. These are the things women find attractive.

What is the No. 1 manner in which dominance is displayed and the most integral requirement for the exertion of dominance? Social freedom.

Your degree of social freedom is a sure-fire way for other people to gauge your social dominance.

The marked lack of social freedom is probably one of the few major differences that set Singaporean men apart from men in other English-speaking countries. The amount of social anxiety the average Singaporean male carries is astounding.

Social freedom is required for the implementation of the best dating advice and strategies.

The work of social coaches is to teach non-dominant men dominant behaviour.

Social anxiety

Many men are studying the social arts but rarely do they practise what they’ve learned; their social anxiety inhibits the application of the material.

If you’ve had any of these thoughts, then you know exactly what I’m referring to.

‘I can’t talk to that woman right now. What if that old lady next to her is listening? I can’t walk up to her now because her friends are standing around. What if the strangers around me are watching?’

Thoughts like these cause men to be visibly nervous, which sabotages their interactions.

Instead of motivating themselves by thinking, ‘There goes one of the most intriguingly beautiful women I’ve ever seen, and if I don’t approach her now, I’ll lose my chance of ever getting to know her’, they’d rather allow themselves to sink into a self-defeating and self-limiting spiral of negativity.

Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: www.powerofbeingasian.com

In your earlier articles, you’ve talked about social freedom. What is it, and how do I get it? Sincerely, Stephen

Dear Stephen,

The key is to slowly and gradually increase the amount of social pressure you can handle. This process requires a concerted effort over a period of weeks or months. While the most effective way to train is with an experienced coach, you can take steps yourself to cultivate social courage.

Here are some exercises adapted from the work on Social Freedom by another dating coach, Brad P.

Do these twice a week for as long as you continue to see improvement. They usually take 30 to 60 minutes. Keep this up for at least two weeks.

- Eye contact. Maintain eye contact for as long as you can with three people.

- Time and directions. Ask strangers for the time and directions.

- Small talk. Ask for directions and then make small talk for 30 seconds.

- Store clerk. Make small talk with a store clerk for two minutes.

- Humour. Walk up to a stranger, and make him laugh. You can’t exit the conversation until you make him laugh.

- Butting in. Walk up to a group of strangers in conversation. Listen in for a short time. Then as soon as possible, join in, and start talking to them as if you’ve been in the conversation the whole time.

Most importantly, have fun, and make other people have fun!

Ask Dr Date

Have problems finding love? Make a date with

Dr Date. He’ll go over the finer points of courtship in his weekly column in TheNew Paper on Sunday.

E-mail your questions to tnp@sph.com.sg

For example, how do you know when you’ve done a good job?

If you’re externally validated, that is, you look to others to validate you, the answer would come from outside.

Your boss pats you on the back and says your work was great. You get a raise. Your work is noticed and applauded by your peers and you win a big award.

Looking primarily to this sort of external approval means that you are mainly externally validated.

If you’re internally validated, your evidence comes from inside yourself. Such a person could design a building that wins many architectural awards but if he does not feel that it is special, all the outside approval won’t convince him that it is.

Conversely, if he does what he thinks is a good job but only gets a lukewarm reception from his boss or peers, he will trust his own instincts and judgment rather than theirs.

Very few people are completely one or the other. We generally fall somewhere in between.

Most of us are mainly externally validated. We look to our parents, peers, society and the media to tell us what to like or dislike, what is good or bad, and what is cool or hip.

When it comes to male-female relationships, women are evolutionarily adapted to prefer men who are leaders.

What trait is common among leaders? A truly effective leader is strongly internally validated. While he may gather counsel from his advisers, he wouldn’t be much of a leader if he spends all his time asking others what they think before he acts.

In the end, based on information at hand, the leader decides for himself and takes responsibility for his decision.

These are men who take charge, know who they are and what they stand for, and know what they want and go for it.

Here’s a great example of how being externally validated can have a negative impact:

A man is dating a woman he thinks is breathtakingly beautiful. But all his peers think she is just average-looking.

If he is externally validated, over time, he would change his view of her to fit that of his peers. He would doubt his own judgment. His perspectives are fed to him by others.

Then there is the way one views malicious gossip-mongers.

Hurt by gossip?

There will always be those in society who have nothing better to do and are, in the words of best-selling author Timothy Ferris, ‘full-time idiots’. They are bitter gossip-mongers who spend inordinate amounts of time speculating in conversations, printed media and in online forums and blogs about the private lives of people they secretly envy. Those with true inside knowledge know how far off the mark gossip-mongers often are from the truth.

If you’re externally validated and a subject of such rumours, you might be affected by the comments.

But if you are strongly internally validated, you will treat such gossip, including even a positive one, with mild amusement. You really don’t care what random strangers think about you.

So what should you do to make yourself more internally validated?

You need to do develop new patterns and ways of thinking. You have to break your old habits and train yourself to have good habits.

Being internally validated comes primarily from self-confidence, which in turn comes from experience and reflection. If you’ve done something successfully for 10 or 20 years, you’re probably very internally validated about that activity. If you’re a beginner, you’re likely unsure of yourself in that context.

So figure out which parts of your life are most important to you, and reflect hard and gain experience in these areas.

Then monitor yourself to see whether you are being needlessly swayed by your peers, or whether you really think and feel that way. Don’t mindlessly follow or obey others. Be your own man.

In a major study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, J M Montepare and L Zebrowitz-McArthur show that many people react more favourably to those whose walking style seems more youthful than to those whose walk seems elderly, regardless of the actual age or gender.

What did they mean by ‘youthful’ posture and gait? Flexibility, primarily.

The upside of this is that you don’t actually have to be young to appear young.

So no matter how old you are now, remember to stand up straight and walk with a bounce in your step. Believe it or not, how you stand and walk plays a powerful role in how attractive you are to the opposite gender.

This seems simple, but it could take a few months to get your body used to adopting a naturally youthful posture and gait. Training in yoga or sports involving flexibility can also be very helpful.

Theories abound on why we are more attracted to youth, which in this case means mainly physical fitness. The most widely accepted is that physical fitness in men and women is selected for by evolutionary processes.

Along with a strong posture and walk, a person’s face can also appear more attractive through another simple technique: The smile.

Often, we try to read other people’s feelings and thoughts by looking at their body language and facial expressions.

This is because we believe that our moods affect our physical states.

But research has shown that the reverse is also true. Changing our physical self can directly affect our emotional and mental states. By changing our physiology, we can actually alter our brain chemistry.

For example, while it is generally understood that people smile when they are happy, numerous studies reveal that when we smile, we actually put ourselves in a better mood. Conversely, if you were to frown for a few minutes, you would likely feel worse.

Attractive

Since people are more attracted to happy people than unhappy people, the obvious thing to do is to smile. A lot.

Not only do you communicate that you are relaxed and comfortable, which are attractive traits in themselves, but by the very act of smiling, you actually make yourself feel better.

In addition, breathe deeply and regularly. Breathing properly is integral to appearing and feeling calm and confident.

When we’re nervous, we tend to hold our breaths.

Deep breathing immediately relaxes your central nervous system right down to your spine and literally calms your nerves. This enables you to think more easily, move and speak clearly and confidently.

So remember to adopt a healthy posture and gait, and put on a happy smile.

This week is about what you’re looking for in others.

In interacting with other people, it is essential to have high standards, to know what you like in yourself and in other people, and to know what you expect from others in terms of common courtesy and friendliness.

When a man wants a woman to like him, too often, he will change his mind to please her.

For instance, if he finds out she hates jazz music, he will nod and agree, even though he is an ardent jazz fan. He does this because he thinks this will make her more inclined to like him.

Actually, the opposite is true. Nobody likes a spineless sycophant. Even if she disagrees with your view of jazz music, she will respect you for having the guts to disagree with her.

One of the best ways to communicate this is through screening and complimenting. This allows you to demonstrate that you genuinely have high standards, allows her to earn your attention and affection for her non-physical qualities, and shows that you appreciate her for her special characteristics and for meeting your standards.

Since you did the simple identity exercises last week, you should have a general idea of what you stand for. Now, you should consider what you’re looking for in a woman.

Usually when I ask a guy what he wants in a woman, he starts rattling off only physical traits, for example her hair colour, her height, bust, waist etc.

But this is exactly what you should not be thinking about. It is important that when you are first getting to know a woman, you screen and compliment her on her personality traits, not on her physical attributes.

So think of at least five non-physical traits that you would like in your romantic partner. Reflect on this right now, and write them down.

Typical non-physical traits that men look for in women include being open-minded, spontaneous, adventurous, independent, faithful, cultured, sophisticated and affectionate.

My friend, Glenn, looks for women who can share his passion for music and art films, while my friend, Brian, looks for women who share his zest for world travel and tasting the local foods of different countries.

How do you work these into a conversation? Using the bridging technique from last week, you can bridge into your screening question from just about any topic.

Now think of five screening questions to match the five non-physical qualities you are looking for.

Observations about her are useful as transitions. Perhaps you notice she has a keen fashion sense. You can then screen her to see if she’s artistic. ‘You seem really artistic. What kind of art do you do?’

Compliment her

If she mentions some countries she’s visited, you can first verbalise your observation and compliment her on this, and then you can screen her further on this trait. ‘You strike me as really well-travelled. I like that. Where is your favourite place to travel?’

Traits that are more generic can also be screened for in this way. If you notice she has a mischievous smile, you can say: ‘I bet you’re really spontaneous, right? What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?’

Whenever she puts in considerable effort to answer your screening questions, remember to reward her. This can be as simple as turning your shoulders to face her more directly, smiling, nodding, or complimenting her. For instance, in the earlier example, you could reward her with ‘So you really are spontaneous. I like that!’

As you weave more screening and rewards into your conversations, you will communicate to others that you have standards you expect from yourself and others. Plus, you will start to find more of the kind of people you’ve been looking for.