How to Use the Power of Texting
June 4, 2009
Much of the texting advice I first learned from Sebastian Drake. I’ve been so busy lately, I haven’t had the time to find the original online version of the article, so I’m pasting my Word doc.
Cheers!
How to Use the Power of Texting
For the past few weeks, we’ve been looking at effective first date strategies—the shopping date, the “come along” date, the adventure date—as well as at issues like whether the man should pay for everything on the first date. But how do you set up the first date in the first place?
Let’s say things went well the first time you met your love interest. You met at a mutual acquaintance’s party, had a charming half-hour conversation, and parted with each other’s contact info and a promise to meet up again soon.
Now you’ve got the phone number. What do you do from here? It seems simple, right? You call her.
However, just as in the classic comedy movie, Swingers, starring Vince Vaughn, the modern dating world finds here a quandary. If you call her too early, you’ll seem too eager and needy. If you call her too late, she’ll think you’re not really interested in her and may have even forgotten about you.
Enter a handy transitional device courtesy of modern technology: the SMS or “text message.” You can actually use this impersonal, efficient, and casual medium of communication to your advantage here. It takes much less time, effort, and emotional energy to answer a brief text message than to pick up a phone call and have an entire conversation.
So here’s the general rule: If she won’t respond to your text message, the chances are good that she won’t pick up your phone call.
So send a text message first to test the waters. If she responds, you can then either continue into a short chat over SMS, or you can phone her, knowing that there is a good chance she will pick up. Notice that this general rule does NOT say that if she answers your text message, she will necessarily answer your phone call. It only establishes a necessary condition for her picking up your call.
In your text messages, remember to keep things positive. For example, don’t talk about your horrible day at work or how tired you are. Keep things light and fun at first.
You can send a text message as soon as the same night you met or the day after with a simple text like, “You’re the cutest friend ever! Happy I met you,” or, “Nice to make a new friend on a rainy night!”
Also, you should generally stay away from asking any questions at the beginning because if she doesn’t answer your text question, she will begin to get used to ignoring your questions and requests. Of course, once you begin a back-and-forth text conversation, it is perfectly fine to ask questions. Any text messages that can trigger curiosity and intrigue are also good.
Here are some examples of bad text messages, which ask boring questions without giving any value: “What you doing tomorrow?” “How was your night?” “Want to go out with me tonight?”
Instead, if you want to extend an invitation over text message, you don’t need to ask a question. Instead, embed intrigue into your statements: “My friend’s going away party is this Wednesday. You’d fit right in.” “You really have to meet my friend Maria. You guys are like sisters separated at birth!” “I’m hitting the art museum on Tuesday. If you’re feeling artistic, give me a buzz.”
Once you transition to the phone, what should you say? See my answer to today’s reader question for more.
Dear Dr. Date,
Your advice has been quite effective in conversations with women. I’ve been able to collect phone numbers, but it fizzles out from there. What’s going wrong?
Yours, Xavier.
Dear Xavier,
A lot of people think that the good emotions you had in your initial interactions with a woman will still be there when she picks up your phone call four days later. However, emotions and moods change all the time.
Try sending a SMS first. Then, when you get her on the phone, you should endeavor to be light and fun and create again the good emotions she felt when you met in person.
When you ask her out, make sure you already have a few plans in mind and don’t tell her everything. Keep her guessing and curious. Just tell her what she needs to wear so she can prepare.
Before you hang up, get a quick confirmation. A study by Angela Lipsitz and others in the Journal of Applied Social Psychology reported that ending a blood drive reminder call with, “We’ll count on seeing you then, okay?” and then pausing for a response increased the show-up rate from 62 to 81 percent. Just this one phrase did it. Getting verbal confirmation increases her level of internal consistency and raises the chances of getting her to follow through.
